Well...we're back in the car again.

When people ask me what my favorite movies are, I always say the same thing. Star Wars, Alien, Breaking the Waves, Rushmore, Young Frankenstein. Great movies, a good mix for a theatre nerd type, and good representation of me. A certain comic style that I always try to recapture on stage in Young Frankenstein. A little Von Trier and Anderson (love them both.) Classic sci-fi movies that show my love for fantasy, melodrama, being scared, and Ripley. I never say Jurassic Park but the truth is I love this movie. I’ve watched it a lot. It’s exciting and scary and fun. The female character is smart and interesting and wears sensible shoes. There is this part in the movie where the young boy Tim has crashed into a tree in the car after being attacked by a T Rex (what is not to love about this movie?) Dr. Grant is trying to save him by getting him out the car and as they climb down the tree, the car falls down the tree and lands on top on them, enclosing them in the car again. At this point, Tim says, “Well…we’re back in the car again.” I like the young actor’s reading on that line. It’s not a complaint. It’s just a fact. It is what it is. I quote this line a lot. Well… I’m back in the car again. Well… I’m back at the airport again. Well…I’m back on the train again. Well…I’m back in a strange bed again. That is long story to explain the title of this blog.

EPIC SUMMER THEATRE ADVENTURE PART TWO.

Elsa and I are back in the airport/airplane/car/strange bed again. I’m not sure when I will post this exactly (I am at the Toronto airport right now) but we are headed to The Manitoulin Conservatory for Creation and Performance in Canada for a Mask and Clown Intensive with the wonderful John Turner and Michael Kennard aka Mump and Smoot aka the Canadian Clowns of Horror. Elsa and I have been trying to come to this intensive for about 5 years and every year something happens. Usually being broke happens, but also summer schedules are hard. We made it happen this year. 

Determination and sacrifice (mainly on Elsa’s part) MADE. IT. HAPPEN. I am 79% excited and 21% scared. We rented a small cabin and will accomplish 100 hours of clown and mask training over the next 15 days. I think we are very close to the lake and I plan to swim as often as I am able. I think I will be offline most of the time but we’ll post a bit as we are able.

We aren’t the only Tricklockers continuing on with adventure. Hannah is still in Poland teaching with Teatr Figur Krakow at their summer education camp and then she heads the Summer Intensive at The Gardzienice Center for Theatre Practices. I will let her tell her story on this, but I'm soooooooo excited for her. 

***side note: I don't know why my blog did that ^ I can't fix it so whatev. Maybe it's highlighting it because it is IMPORTANT!

So that leaves Krakow. Oh Poland. Poland, where a part of my heart always lives. On the last night, Aaron and I walked back to our flat after dessert and coffee and Aaron said dramatically, “Boohoohoohoo.” I said, “What’s wrong?” He said, “I don’t want to leave Krakow!”  This is how we always feel. The shows at Teatr Barakah were great. The audiences were great. Barakha was great. We saw old friends, made new friends, hung around the city, John and Bernadette joined us (John is our longest Board member and all around cool guy) and we just generally had a fabulous experience.  I ate so much Zurek, a sour soup with sausage, potato, and a hard boiled egg. Aaron calls it breakfast soup. It is delicious.

                                                                  Krakow

We traveled by train from Keiv to Warsaw, Warsaw to Krakow. 12 people and about 36 bags. Narrow halls, tiny sleeping cars, in Warsaw we had 6 minutes to get off the train. Six. Minutes. This group of people is just remarkable. They were upbeat, worked together, and loved each other. On the train we went from compartment to compartment hanging out, laughing, talking, drinking Ukrainian vodka (gifts from PostPlay.) This is an amazing group. No doubt about it.

                                                                          Love these people

Now I am in Canada. I lucked out and stayed at the perfect Toronto hotel for my travelling troubles. I arrived Wednesday night at the hotel at 11pm and I had to pick up Elsa the next day at 5:30pm. Then we rent a car. When I arrived on Wednesday, I was exhausted. They let me have a late check out, they had laundry on site so I cleaned my clothes, they had a restaurant with a yummy veggie omelette, they let me hang around in the big comfy chair in the lobby and use wifi, and the lovely man at the little store in the lobby where I bought my gum asked about my peppermint oil which sparked a 30 minutes conversation about practicing mindfulness. This was a particularly interesting moment. I put the gum on the counter and he said, “I don’t know that you need this gum, you already smell so minty.” I explained I use peppermint oil to help with my headaches and anxiety. Something about this opened him up to me and we talked for a long time about releasing anger, removing greed, and letting go of ego. Or at least recognizing it when it is happening.

I had a few days of emotional roller coasting riding immediately after the tour. Depressed it was over, elated it was so successful, homesick, in love with Krakow, freaked out that instead of going home I was going to an intensive training, massive separation anxiety from Aaron. I would get weepy, “I can’t believe we are going to be apart for 17 days!” Sometimes you just have to take the ride.

                                                                 This guy. I love this guy. 

Elsa and I are at the hotel in Sudbury (half way between Toronto and Manitoulin Island) and I went swimming this morning. I thought it would be magic for my knee but even swimming hurts it a bit. Kicking my leg on my first lap and I gasped in pain. Oh man. Healing sucks. It is just going to be months of recovery. I have to be okay with this. I have been healing my knee along the way.  I will admit that a crazy tour is not the way to heal a knee, but it’s what I have been doing. I will keep at it.

Okay. Off to clown camp we go! A couple of mid to late 40 year old best friends, living in a rustic cabin on a lake, training in clown and mask 10 hours a day, in an old farmhouse in Canada. This is the life.  I’m so grateful that I have awesome parents who help and support my work so much (they took care of our creatures while were gone and spoiled the crap out of little Shudek!) I’m so in love with my amazing theatre company. I’m so lucky that I get to really experience part of the world not just with travelling but with actual artistic exchange. I have great friends and an amazing partner. I have so much gratitude. I’m going to focus on all of that goodness. Take it with me into the clown work. Open the door. Up, up, up. 

Amsterdam to Kiev and all the love in between

****** I wrote this blog several days ago but was unable to post it. SO MUCH HAPPENED BETWEEN NOW AND THEN! I will leave this blog as is and end with some new updates.

“I pretty much live my life jumping from one moment of laughing to another moment of laughing. I just can’t remember the bits in between very well. “  -Katy Houska

I am on a train traveling from Amsterdam to Kiev. In case geography is hard, that is a pretty long ride. We do Amsterdam to Berlin, change trains and travel to Prague, change trains and take a sleeper car to Kiev. I love a train. It’s so lovely to watch the world from a train. Our seats now (we are in Germany) are facing a way that requires us to travel backwards. It’s not Aaron’s favorite, but I don’t mind.

New York was great. As always. Our show went well and awesome people came to see it and we all hung out after. It’s such a great city. I love being there. I was sitting at Washington Square Park, people watching and listening. I always learn about myself when I am in New York. I fall in love with humankind and my heart swells to be a part of it. It struck me that New York is Donald Trump’s home. How on earth can he live in New York, such a rich and diverse tapestry of people from all over the world, and be such a hateful, racist monster? How is that possible? I just don’t understand.  I don’t want to talk about politics in this blog. I have A LOT of thoughts. It’s been rough to be on social media so much promoting the tour. It’s hard to not get sucked into the headlines or comments on people’s page. I don’t want to engage right now. For one, having a mean and divisive “conservation” through a comment feed is never going to change someone’s mind. But it was hard to ignore all of the comments on Doug’s page about how “it isn’t about gender.”  Ugh. I’ll blog soon about HRC.

It is fascinating to be touring while all of this is going on. I can’t wait to hear what people think of this crazy. I should just make a shirt that says, “I AM SORRY ABOUT TRUMP. I DON’T UNDERSTAND EITHER!” It has been nice to catch up on the speeches from the DNC. So many beautiful and inspiring moments. I am holding faith that a little more than half the people in the US are kind, thoughtful people who want to help others and see themselves as a world citizen. Fingers crossed.

I haven’t been sleeping very well. Jetlag, I know, but it’s been a little worse than normal. I have bouts of troubled sleeping brought on by anxiety. It’s usually money related. Running a non-profit is hard. Being responsible for all the bills is stressful. Back home, I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, heart racing with thoughts of “How are we going to get through the month?”  I have a little bit of this going on so last night instead of reading my scary apocalypse novel, I started re-reading Yes Please by Amy Poehler. FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT. SAY IT LOUD. THEN SHUT UP.  She’s the best. I also watched the movie “Sisters” on the plane and it is funny and the cast is awesome. I also watched “The Lobster” which is super weird and AMAZING. What the fuck? Have you seen that movie?

We had a minibreak in Amsterdam so that Aaron and Katy could finish shooting some scenes for the movie. Amsterdam is so pretty. Bikes and canals and slanted houses and windmills. Sigh… Also, pancakes with savory things baked in them are delicious.  It is still a dream to retire part of the year there. At least visit for chunks of time as we can.

Alex, Hannah, and Erin are already in Ukraine and apparently, it is incredible. I can’t wait to get there!

****** THREE DAYS LATER…

I am here. We will blog properly about Ukraine on the Tricklock blog but what a powerful place. If you don’t know the history of Ukraine or the recent things that have been happening here, you should look it up. It is heartbreaking and overwhelming. I was in the square yesterday and imagining the photos I had seen from only two years ago, in this same exact spot. Rubble and fires, protesters and military, I think about Mariana talking about the piano that the artists rolled out and played in the midst of it all. I think about the flag that was held up amidst the bombing that said, “You are beautiful.” Also, this city is lovely. The architecture is amazing. The churches, oh THE CHURCHES!

If you are my friend on Facebook you probably know that we traveled by train for 48 hours. We were on one train from Prague to Kiev for 35 hours straight (one break to grab food.) It was crazy. I knew it seemed like a fast trip for the distance, but I was overwhelmed with planning this tour. Twelve people, three cities, three different shows, plus workshops, insurance, budgets, reports, PR, taking care of home, etc. It’s a lot. When I saw the itinerary for 26 hours I thought, that sounds fine. There was no arrival date so it looked like a trip that left early in the morning and arrived early the next morning.

It arrived early TWO mornings later. Ahhhh. Gotcha.

The discovery moment when the train conductor is showing us the long list of stations along the way and making a circle with his finger like a clock and says in English, “24 hours” in his thick Russian accent was a shocking moment. Katy looked back at me with disbelief and the Polrail email that said something about a two day trip (that I thought was another trip I didn’t buy) comes flooding back to me. Katy, Drew, Aaron, and I made the best of it. The train was hot. It was cramped. It was not comfortable. I always look for the lesson. What is the universe teaching me?  Here are the things I learned:

1. People are kind. The Slovakian guy in the next car who was helping us translate Russia as best he could watched our shock, horror, and disappointment take place in real time. I said, “24 more hours? We don’t have any food.” This man gave us his bag of food. Meat and cheese and bread and two beers. We said, “No, no, we can’t possibly take your food.” He said, “Of course you can. I am almost home. Take it and eat it. It is okay.” This is one example of a series of things that people did to help us along the way.

2. Sometimes you get a gift at just the right moment. About 30 minutes after our discovery, the train conductor helped us to understand that at the next station we would have almost an hour stop. This station had an ATM and a grocery store. We pulled out money and bought food and water. There was not another stop like this the entire rest of the trip. If we were stopped  for a long time it was in the middle of nowhere. If we were at a good station, we only stopped for 5 minutes. That stop and station was our one and only combination and it came right after our discovery. It made the train ride much better.

3. My privilege is a luxury that most people don’t have. I went to use the bathroom in the train and the seat is broken and there is no toilet paper and there is a bloody rag in the trash and it smells strongly of pee (I am not a person who is bothered by much. Years of taking care of small children, I can take almost anything, but the smell of pee is gross) and I thought to myself, a huge number of people in the world live like this every day. Not necessarily on a train, but my clean bathroom back home and my comfortable bed and the food in my fridge, and the water that I can drink that runs from a faucet in my home is a fucking luxury and I should never, ever take it for granted.

4. Pay attention to details. UGH. If I had just taken a breath and read the email properly and asked one question and waited for an answer we would have known about our train trip. I got frazzled and busy. Slow down. Calm down. Deep breaths.

So, now we are here. All of Tricklock is here. We open tomorrow. More soon.   

Human

Whew.
The Theatre Communications Group (TCG) conference has ended. And what a conference it was. I had a lot of experiences, highs and lows, that I am still processing. I met some incredible people, connected with friends, people I admire, colleagues, etc. So many thoughts and feelings as I pack my suitcase up and prepare to return to real life. I'm lucky that my real life is a continuation, in part, of this conference. I am a theatre maker. I am grateful that I get to do that everyday of my life.
However, the part of this work that has become my heart is the international exchange and collaboration. There were several sessions about this work, including an entire day dedicated to it with the pre-conference hosted by TCG and The Lab for Global Performances and Politics. It is so clear to me what I should be doing with my life. It is this work. I attended many different sessions at the conference. I was one of about 80 Artistic Directors in a 3 part session called the Artistic Directors Summit. I even co-moderated two of the sessions. It was interesting and I met some cool people, but I also had moments where I felt strongly this is not my place. A group of mostly men (over 40 white men) with the challenges of running their LORT theatres, managing staff, funders, etc. talking and talking and talking and my mind would drift back to the global pre-conference.

                                          Global pre-conference at Georgetown University

This is where I belong. Working to support voices from artists around the world. Producing their work. Getting their stories out there. More, more, more. Here are some things I heard (reworded from me, I did my best) from some of these artists.

"Culture and theatre help explain global politics."
"This is much more important than you."
"We can't speak this outside of the theatre"
"I am tired of being invited to the museum of my life."
"The weight of being erased."
"Racism and genocide are dehumanizing. Theatre is about humanizing. Theatre makes us human."

Artists from around the globe gathered to talk about these issues. The work, the politics, the art. Several artists had to join via Skype because they are unable to travel for various reasons including this woman:

This is Reem Alsayyah. She is a Syrian actress and refugee. Her smile is the one of the brightest things I have ever seen. I was lucky enough to hear a bit of her story and hope one day to see her performance of Trojan Women (which was not able to come to the US because the US denied their visas.)

I hope to bring several artists I met to Revolutions so that I can share these incredible people and stories with New Mexico.

This is a complicated world. I am learning everyday. I make mistakes navigating global art and politics. I say the wrong thing, come off the wrong way, etc. It's delicate. But all I can do is apologize, pick myself up and try to keep supporting the work. I know it makes the world a better place. It creates understanding and connection. It grows love.

Also, does anyone have like... $500,000 they would like to gift me? I just want to produce this work all the time. I promise to save you a seat in the front row. :)

More thoughts soon.

                                                            Washington Monument

                                                         

That is Mrs. Doormat to you, sir.

I have been contemplating the honesty and transparency in my writing. I write about personal things but I do feel that I keep a shield up. Things are just a little bit vague or I will 50% something in order to not sound crazy, to protect people, to make sure my foot doesn't ends up in my mouth.

We all have that friend on Facebook who posts a lot and always says whatever the hell they want. A small part of you thinks, "You go girl" but the larger part of you thinks, "Jesus, you are a mess." You never say anything but you do secretly pat yourself on the back for not being like "that girl." I am thoughtful. I chose my words carefully. I try to keep my private bits private.

I don't know. Why don't we just say what we think? I'm not interested in saying hurtful things to people, but why do I find it so necessary to be careful about what I say? Is it manners? Is it my southern roots? Fear? Oppression? Habit? Is it taught to us as young girls?  Don't make people unhappy. Be a people pleaser. I see it in my female friends all the time. We aim to please.

My friend Marya and I were talking recently about the woes of being a producer. Specifically, the woes of being a female producer. The "Is there a man I can talk to?" attitude that can sometimes happen was a topic of course, but I fixated on the way I behave. I have often felt bullied. I will start strong and put my foot down only to find myself apologizing at the end. Why do I do that?
Why do I make myself small? Why do I apologize for not being able to do what someone else wants when I don't want it or I just can't make it happen?

At times, I become a doormat. I let people walk over me. Several years ago, I became a constant doormat for someone. A colleague (and I thought friend) who I worked with spent two years doormatting me. I did his work for him, I made excuses for him, I helped him out, I worked extra hard to make sure he continued to receive the same pay as I did while he lied, cheated, stole, and manipulated me. FOR TWO YEARS. I knew in my gut for about a year that it wasn't right, but I did nothing. I had moments, like when he arrived 45 minutes late to a super important meeting and then blustered about and took credit for all my hard work, when I was furious and told him how I felt. He would lie to my face about some family problem or whatever boohoohoo and I would fall right back in line. I allowed myself to be manipulated and walked all over. Again and again. I look back at this and think how on earth did I let that happen and for so long? Yes, this person is a narcissist. I'm certain he is pleased with his work. He played me and I fell for it. For way too long.
So..
How does one keep that from happening again? And why do I still have moments when I realize I am dangerously close to being a doormat again. I got myself away from that horrible person and I feel like I learned a lot from that situation. About myself and people. I'm certainly more jaded. Which maybe is a bummer but I'm okay with that. I don't think I would ever find myself in that situation again, but how can I stay away from being doormatted entirely? It really isn't up to the rest of the world, its up to me. I need to say "This won't work for me" and just let it be okay.
Of course it is okay. I work hard for my projects. I work hard to find funding. I work hard to keep things afloat. I work hard on my art, my company, the work. I shouldn't have to apologize to someone because they want to do something and I either can't or don't.

I can't afford your show in my festival. Sorry.
I can't co-produce your show. Sorry.
I don't have time to help you make your project happen. Sorry.
I can't meet with you. Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Why am I so sorry?

I stepped on your toe and it hurt you? I am so sorry. I would never want to hurt you.

I know that my tendency to doormat myself is much less than I used to be, but I would like to remove it all together. I'd like more of my female leaders to do the same. I will apologize if I hurt you. I will not apologize because I won't do what you want. It comes back to that honesty thing. What if I was just honest? What if I didn't worry about pleasing everyone or how saying no might make someone mad? This shouldn't be a bad way of working. I feel like men can function like this. They are called charismatic and powerful. This blog is not about men. It's about my patterns. I just unfortunately see that pattern with other women.

I aim to change things. At least for me. Standing strong. I'll wipe my feet and come on in.

Strong

What a beauty

Starting up the ol' bloggity blog again. I feel like I am only really good about my blog when I am traveling. We leave in about two months for tour, so I'm going to try to get the blogging routine back in my bones. Which means this will be a nothing blog. A blog about my everyday life and thoughts.

How are things since I last blogged?
Things are pretty good.

Last week was Aaron and my 10 YEAR ANNIVERSARY! Say what? That is bananas. At the wedding Aaron wanted to have shirts that said "Juli and Aaron May 13th, 2006" on the front and "I give 'em a year." on the back. I told him no (he also wanted to sell them, I mean, seriously.)
We made it 10 years! More in love than ever. He's the greatest thing in the whole wide world. I'm a lucky duck.

We went to Jemez Springs for a few days for our anniversary. It was awesome. We took the pup and just relaxed and hung out.

Here is Shudek relaxing on the hammock. It's hard to be a sausage.

Fenton Lake.

If you are reading this blog and you know me, you know that I am a combo of two things: adventurous and clumsy. I often injure myself while adventuring. It's a boring story that didn't actually happen while doing something crazy, but on Thursday I hurt my eye. I tried to ignore it because it was my anniversary trip and I didn't want the trip to be ruined. However, it got so bad that on the morning of our actual anniversary, I woke Aaron up and told him he had to take me to a doctor. He looked at my swollen, red, gross eyeball and agreed. 

After a few u-turns and on the verge of tears (me, not him, he is used to this) we found a health clinic in Jemez Pueblo. I walked in the first door I saw and explained that I was on vacation with my husband and something was wrong with my eye and I needed a doctor. 

The lady at the desk said, "Do you want to see our eye doctor?" 

Are you kidding?

I said, "Yes, do you have an eye doctor in today?"

She said, "Yeah, he came in today to do paperwork. He's right there." She pointed behind me. 

He saw me immediately. 

He dilated my eye and did a bunch of stuff with the giant alien machine and then he told me that I had massive trauma on my eyeball. There was a half moon cut on my eyeball that went really deep. It had also become infected and I now had Iritis. He gave me steroids and antibiotics, told me that I should take a week off and rest my eye (are you kidding me?) and come back and see him in a week. He gave me his cell number in case it got worse while we were in Jemez. He told me it was REALLY BAD and he would make a house call if needed.

Jesus.

We did take it easy. The cabin had a giant whirlpool tub for two and a hammock outside so...

Relaxing.

Battleship Rock. I love a rock that looks like a ship. 

Today I had to go back to Jemez Pueblo and see the doctor for my follow up. I took the day off from all work related things and left this morning at 9am. The "gaping gash" (as the doctor lovingly called it) has healed. He is a little worried that it might scar so I have to keep using the steroids for two more weeks. But all in all, things look good. 

All better! That weird stuff is dye. Also, I used to do my makeup like this in high school. 

Yellow eye shadow that made me look sick 'cause, you know, I was a New Waver.

That long, boring backstory is to tell you this: I had to take the day off and go back up to Jemez and DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FUCKING BEAUTIFUL NEW MEXICO IS?

I just forget. Or I remember everyday but I forget to really feel it. To really see it and appreciate it. When I travel elsewhere, I take a hundred photos and write blogs about the magic of Prague, the green of Seattle, the charm of Krakow, the aliveness of Belize, the gorgeous light in Uganda, the brightness of Cozumel, etc, etc. etc. but I don't write much about the sheer beauty of New Mexico. What a lovely state this is.

Oh the sky!

I felt it was fitting to restart my blog, which is basically a travel blog, with an entry about the magic of home. I drove to Jemez Pueblo and the rocks and mountain ranges were just so beautiful. 

Red rocks!

The people at the clinic (both before and today) were warm, kind, and brilliant people. After my follow up appointment, I went into the town of Jemez Springs and paid $20 at The Giggling Springs to soak for an hour (I mean, if you're going to take the day off, just do it) in the natural hot springs that sit next to the river right in town. 

 It was hard to take a face selfie.

 Giggling Springs

Jemez River

On the way back I stopped by the side of the road near the Walatowa visitor center and ate an Indian taco (most of one, those things are HUGE!) Fry bread is so yummy.

Delicious. 

I drove home, listening to music, thinking about the upcoming show I am directing, and stopping to take a few pictures. 

No filter. Zero. Nada. It just looks like that. 

 Okay, I used a filter here. 

There has been a lot happening in my life. There are changes and exciting new things. Some things I am a little unsure of. Some things I know for sure. Such is life. Maybe the next blog I'll talk about that stuff. I'm looking forward to the road ahead. I always am. 

We live in a beautiful world. Yeah we do, yeah we do. 

 New Mexico

Seawitch

Unexpected

When I first heard that the conference was in Cleveland I was like, "meh."
I'd never been to Cleveland so basically I was just being a stuck up snoberella. Cleveland? Hmmmm...

You guys.
Cleveland is rad. It's a nice size. It's diverse. It's got a cool downtown. The food is pretty good. The people were SUPER nice. The architecture is lovely. And there's a great big beautiful lake.
Thanks Cleveland. I liked you a lot.

                                                                Cleveland

Also, I looked over the conference schedule and thought, "It's okay. I wish there was more international stuff." And then I went and had a really fabulous, inspiring time.
Thanks TCG. You're swell.

It's not like I'm all doom and gloom all the time.
But sometimes I focus a little too much on the trouble.
This is not working. There is not enough time in the day. I am behind. Why didn't this get done? Are we dysfunctional? This is a mess. What the hell is going on?
Oh holy Jesus we need some money. Bad. Like really bad. Like really, really bad.

My green monster would rear its head as people at the conference talked about their 1.5 million dollar budget and complained about shit. Oh no. Is your 1.5 million budget hard for you?
But then...
I'd see their green monster flare up as I talked about being an ensemble and creating together. Having a voice. Supporting the work. The morning we had the All Women meeting Hannah and I listened to stories of inequity and abuse in the work place. Women would turn to us and say, "What do you deal with in your company?" And I'd say, "In my company, none of this. The men support the women and vice versa. I am completed respected."
That took a moment.
I guess a giant budget doesn't fix it all. Who knew? Sometimes it takes an outside look to really see the inside.

                                                                    Lake Erie

On a totally different note, I really wish there were travel rules posted on planes and airports like at a swimming pool.

1. It is courtesy to let the person in the middle seat have the arm rests.
2. Wait your turn when exiting the plane. You let people out row by row.
3. Do not splay your legs into your neighbors area. Even if you are a man.
4. If people need the seat at the airport gate, move your bags and shit.
5. Walk efficiently because some people are racing to catch a plane.
6. Watch where you are going.

It's not that hard.

I guess I kind am a snoberella.

Old wizards

I am a sucker for those articles.
"FIVE THINGS YOU SHOULD DO IMMEDIATELY FOR A HAPPIER LIFE!"
"SEVEN THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW TO BRING MORE JOY TO YOUR WORK LIFE!" "THREE THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU SKINNY AND BEAUTIFUL FOREVER!"

I am totally that person who will click on the link to read about what to do. They are always the same. Drink water. Sleep well. Exercise. Eat vegetables. Be kind to people and animals. Don't sweat the small stuff. Etc. I still want the magic answer. I still think there is a wizard living in some mountain cave that I will stumble upon and this wizard will say DO THIS ONE THING and all the answers to life will be clear.

Not that I am unhappy. Actually the opposite. As a matter a fact, lately I have been the happiest I have been in a while. For a few years things were...ahem....challenging. Not in my personal life, I am the luckiest there, but in other aspects. As of late, things have been pretty damn good.
But I still seek the answers.

Yesterday, I was walking my dog. It was early in the morning and the start to a beautiful day. As I walked, I thought about an incident that happened several years ago. To be fair, it didn't just "happen" to me. I was a part of it happening. Anyhoo, I was rehashing the events, as I am wont to do from time to time when thinking about challenging events, and it came to me, "I would do things so different if that was happening today." I mean durr. Hindsight- of course you would do things different.
However, this was a different realization. This was a realization that I would do things different, in that moment, because I KNOW BETTER.

I think I may have found the magic. The answer. The elixir. It is called "getting older."

I know better because I know more. Several years ago I didn't have the courage. I didn't have the sense of self. I didn't have the knowledge. It's not like I suddenly know everything, but I do know a lot more. I trust myself more. I am more grounded. I understand. I see more clearly.

Getting older is awesome. I love this being 42 years old thing. It's amazing.

I'm sure I will hit a point when I wish I was 25. When I feel OLD. When I don't want to be getting older but right now, I think it is the greatest thing ever.

I don't do regret. Or I try not to. What can you do about it? You can apologize, forgive, let go, heal, learn, and make different choices. These are things you can do. You can't change the past. And you know what, sometimes people will never do these things back to you. You just have to do it for yourself.

I am growing out my grey hair. It's fabulous. Not the growing out part, growing out any hair color kind of sucks, but my grey hair is looking really cool. I can't wait until it is all grey.

                                                      Grey hair, giant sunglasses.

The older I get, the stronger I feel. I'm smarter. Or at least I know more things. I think about shitty things from just two years ago and I think, man...I just wouldn't let that happen now.

Also, I think maybe it is spelled gray. Isn't it gray in the US? Hmmmm...maybe I'm not smarter.

I do think I am a better version of me. I was probably cuter 20 years ago, but I sure do like myself better today than I did when I was 22. I don't judge myself so much. I do more things because I want to do them, not because I feel like I have to do them. I see things for what they are just a little bit easier. It's not so complicated. It's not personal. It is what it is.

I travel around the world and I am slightly invisible. I'm smarter about travel but I'm not edgy. An older woman I admire deeply named Marj told me that world travel as an older woman is the best. No one really notices you but you command respect for being an older woman. You made it this far! Congratulations! Be on your way!

A magic elixir called "getting older." I am drinking it up and loving it.