JOY

It is still dark in Uganda. It is 5:30am. I am sitting outside the Ndere office (the only place to get a few bars for internet) listening to the call for prayer from the temple across the hill and a very large bird above my head making sounds that I have never heard before.

Uganda is magic.

Yesterday we went to Lugala which is where the rehearsal/living compound for the artists is for Ndere. I will be talking about Ndere and Rwangyezi Stephen for years to come but here is a tiny slice: he brings kids from all around Uganda into the troupe who have a talent, drive, and desire to dance and sing. He then pays for their school (this is very important, every child MUST go to school and do well) and housing and they train and perform with Ndere Troupe.

I mean…right? Isn’t that how the world should work ALL THE TIME????

Their talent is abundant, their love and humor contagious, and their smiles are the brightest, most authentic things I have ever had the luck to come across. Yesterday as we passed the cow tied in front of the police station (someone had stolen the cow and the owners had not yet retrieved it) to enter the gates we heard the drums. As we drove up the hill it was lined with these young artists playing their instruments, clapping, singing, dancing, welcoming us. They pulled us out of the  car and into the rehearsal space where we danced and danced and danced. They took us through their instruments, their songs, Stephen spoke of history and culture. They asked us questions about theatre and America (how do we get young people to turn off their i-pads and just watch art??? Ahhhh…universal problems.)

We got a tour of the grounds (Aaron saw a monkey! He was very excited.) and ate lunch and then began (we will continue in a few days) teaching our work to them. They are already amazing at it. I’ve never seen a student leave the ground like they do.

My face hurts so much from smiling. My heart is 3 times its normal size, I am sure. I can’t believe how remarkable this whole experience has been so far. We start the research portion today. Traveling to the country and then we begin with the interviews of people. I can’t wait to create this show. I can’t wait to bring Ndere back to Revolutions.

This is what living is about for me. Connecting with people through the art. Hearing the stories, touching each other, experience it all together. One of the young male artists was walking with Aaron yesterday and wanted to show him something. He took Aaron’s hand and held on to it as they walked to the guava tree (holding hands is common here.) They were like two people in love exploring the land. Shouldn’t we all just be people in love? In love with each other, the world, the connection, the differences, all of it.

I know, I am overdoing it with the sap but really. It’s not the worst idea anyone has ever had.

I can’t post photos yet as my camera died and I forgot my charger (yay last minute packing!) also the internet is pretty bad so this blog will have to do for now. And you will just have to come see their show and take a workshop and break some bread with all these wonderful people in January 2015.

Love and peace. I better go get ready for the day.

(pardon the typos. It is dark and I don’t  have enough juice to edit.) 

That's better

I'm trying to blog more often. I have to blog a lot while we are in Uganda for the TCG grant. It seems like I should get in the habit now.

What to write about...?

It is the end of November. Are you aware of this? What. The. Hell? This year is almost over.
How did that happen?

2012 was kind of a bummer year. Hard, weird... more hard. I had really hoped that 2013 would be better than 2012. And it totally was.
It wasn't perfect. There was still some hard shit. However, that hard shit ended up being knowledge and truth. That specific knowledge and  truth also made the difficulty of 2012 make sense. It's not always easy to learn the hard things. You fit the pieces into the puzzle and then you step back. "Oh look, it's a picture of a sunset on the ocean. I see it now." Everything makes so much sense. It doesn't really take away the pain of the hard situation but at least you have some answers. Some explanation. Some sense of things.
"Oh. I see. Mystery solved."
You don't feel better, per se, but you feel a little less foolish, less guilty, less bitter. Sometimes feeling less of a bad feeling is almost as good as simply feeling happy. Especially if the bad feeling has been with you for a while.
You at least feel better.

I write a lot of blogs about being happy. As a theatre artist, I am fascinated by the human condition. Why are people cruel to one another? How do we persevere? Why do some people go through life mad? Irritated. Negative. What's your problem already? Why can't we all just decide to be happy? How does one feel happy? Or at least how do we feel better?

I'm not talking about the moments of life tragedy. A death, a disaster, a horrible heartbreak...these are rough times. They take time, help, work. I watched Lars von Trier's film Antichrist last night. I will not go into it because it is a LOADED movie but Charlotte Gainsbourg's portrayal of his vision of what grief looks like was pretty incredible. I'm not talking about that. I mean the every day, getting through, this is my life, feeling better.  

Perhaps I should focus on how I feel better. I learned some hard truths and I feel better. What else can make me feel better? 

I recently cut back on gluten. It makes me a little irritated that it is working, but the truth is that I feel better. My body feels better (apparently, I should not be living off IPA beer and tortillas after all.)

I hurt my knee about 8 months ago. I just twisted it funny but the shitty thing about being in my forties is that I don't bounce back the same way. I needed to rest it but instead I carried on. My knee stayed hurt. I actually found myself looking for an elevator the other day at UNM so that I didn't have to hobble up the stairs. And then I was super mad about it. So, I have skipped a few weeks of intense workouts. I'm only doing walks with the pup (in a brace) and arm weights. My knee needed some rest. It feels better.

I had a theatre teacher who taught me about values. You choose three values before each show and then you spend the show achieving them (there's more to it, but that's the short version.) It doesn't have to be deep. I actually often pick "remember your lines" or "be hilarious." I have started doing values with my life. Not every day but more like month by month. Right now it is patience, delegation, and human connection. These are my values. I have to work at them. The drive thru at the bank is not for those of you that have several transactions and a bunch of questions and no deposit slip or a pen... walk your lazy ass into the bank already. However, holding these values close is making me feel better.

I suppose feeling "better" is a good thing to strive for. This moment is better than the last moment. This month is better than last month. This year is better than last year. I suppose eventually each "better" moment builds until the moment is fantastic! Amazing! Incredible! Joyful!

Baby steps. Baby steps to joy.

                                               These two make me feel better. Always. 

Halloweeny

Happy Halloween! My holy holiday. I am a slightly stunted, theatre nerd with no children, a costume morgue, and arty friends. Of course. I am made for Halloween.

I like scary things. I like to be scared. Horror movies. Haunted houses. Roller coasters. Bring 'em on.
I don't actually want to be in a state of true fear. No one does. I like manufactured fear very much.

                                                        This photo is scary. I like it. 

Scariest book: The Shining. I was 18 years old. Aaron and I were living in our first tiny apartment. One night Aaron was at band practice and I called and asked him to come home because I was too scared to fall asleep by myself after reading The Shining. Cursed hotels are scary.

Scariest movie: Stupid hard to pick because there are a lot. I was pretty scared watching Wolf Creek. It was Christmas. Aaron and I went to see Wolf Creek (because horror movies on Christmas is how you do things.) If you haven't seen it, it is an Australian film from a few years ago. It does some cool stuff with choices the characters make. But mainly it's just scary.

Other scary stuff: I went to Quarantine last night. It was scary!!! And super fun. If you are reading this, live in Albuquerque, and want to do a haunted house- go to Quarantine. It is super good.
One time Byron and I went to haunted house in Niagra, Canada. If you've never been to Niagra, it is a bit odd. It's like a giant amusement park. Casinos and rides and bright lights and...a giant waterfall. Anyhoo, after we did the boat ride, Byron and I went through a haunted house. At like 2 in the afternoon on a Tuesday. We were the only ones in it. It was pretty good. I remember at the end a man in a mask with a chainsaw chased me around a table until I screamed, "I'm all done!!!" And then he left. It was fun.

Scariest real things: It was scary when the jellyfish stung me. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't do anything about it. That was scary. Many years ago, I walked home alone in rural Poland in the pitch dark with a pack of wild dogs running around. That was a little much. One night I "lost" Aaron. He was out with friends but I thought he was going to be home and he couldn't hear his phone ringing. For about an hour I convinced myself he had been killed. Because losing Aaron would be the worst thing to ever happen to me, the thought of it is the most scary.

I am traveling to a new place in 6 weeks. Uganda. I am not scared but sometimes I think The Man wants me to be scared. I am not a moron. Some places in the world have more danger potential. But really, if you break it down, isn't everything scary? Driving cars is scary, you can get smashed. Getting up in front of people and performing is scary, what if you fuck it up? Travel is scary, what if the plane crashes? People are scary, they might shoot you. New food is scary, diarrhea is awful.

I like being scared, but I don't want to walk around being scared.

         Shots for Africa. I am not afraid of shots. I don't like them, but I am not afraid. 

Sometimes it takes thousands of miles to look inside

There is this line in Cameron Crowe's movie Say Anything... that I think about a lot. Lloyd tells his depressed and angry sister, "Just be happy. How hard is it to just be happy?"

How hard is it really?

I've been a little angry lately. I won't go into it because it is boring but what a waste of time. Being angry. Or bitter. Or self-important. I took my problems and held them close and wrapped my arms around them and looked only in. And I got mad.
It took a little trip to Europe to find some perspective but I think I found it.

                                           This woman alone gives me perspective.


What if I just opened my arms up and let the shit fly. Maybe something gets dropped. Maybe someone catches some of it. Maybe someone says they will catch it and then they don't and then I am disappointed but I'm done being angry about it. Being angry is dumb. I was holding things too closely and it was making me self righteous and sour. Truthfully, I wasn't doing that great of a job at anything anyway because I held too much in arms.

I couldn't open the door with all that shit I was holding.

I don't know for sure if I can sustain this feeling. If I can make this feeling action. But I am going to try. What is the point of walking around on this earth if you're not happy. I mean REALLY happy? Aaron's brother and his wife were in town last night. I love these two. We don't see each other often but when we do it is so fun and it feels joyful. Stacie (my sister in law, who I adore) always says how happy Aaron and I look. Because we are happy. We have a good life with a lot of joy. I'm not saying shit doesn't get hard but I don't think I need to hold it so close to myself anymore. I'm buried in my phone, angry about an e-mail while Aaron is standing in front of me waiting for a hug. What? That is dumb.
Attitude adjustment commencing.

It's lovely how a trip away can help you find your center. Krakow and Prague were lovely. Time with my husband was awesome. Seeing old friends is always great but made extraordinary when you spend time with them and realize how fabulous they are doing. What cool and amazing people they are.

                                              Seriously. These women are goddesses.

I have blisters from walking so much, an extra 5 pounds from eating and drinking, and the best stories and memories. Here are two:

1. We are all downstairs at a cafe and I order a piece of honey cake. It comes and starts its journey around the table. When it gets to Katy she says, "What is that I'm tasting in there that is so great? What is that...? Oh. Right. It is honey."

2. Kate and I are having a girl's day out and as we walk down the stairs to the metro, a man stops us with a gold circle thing in his hand and says something in Czech. Kate says, "No thank you. We don't want to buy anything." and starts to move around him and he steps in front and says. "Police."
Oh. Right. You would like to see our metro tickets.

Tiny moments. Both made me explode into laughter. There was an enormous amount of genuine laughter and smiling for two weeks straight. It was rad.

Also, sometimes when I travel I think I should start a blog about all the things I learn while traveling. Small things that make a difference like choice of shoes or how arriving early in a city can be hard because you might not be able to check in early and will be stuck wandering around. This trip I learned that people give horrible directions. They know the city and will say, "Oh just get off the metro and go right. You'll see it." No, no I won't see it because every street sign is in Czech and right is relative to which way you exit the metro. Make sure you have directions or Google maps on your phone or gps or whatever or you will get frustrated and yell at your sweet husband on the street. And really he has a pretty good sense of direction. On that note, traveling with someone you adore and love being with helps a lot. Every situation is amazing or tolerable because of who is standing next to you. A good lesson.

                                                           Standing together. 

                                                        A good day to begin again. 

What's a girl to do?

Most every day I spend a good chunk of time online. I try to take "technology free" days. I like to purposely travel to places where technology is a bit harder to access (or make commitments while traveling to limit the technology.) But I have a job that requires me to be online a fair amount. E-mail communication, grant research and submissions, quickbooks online, etc.

My homepage is BBC news. Even if I simply glance through the front page on my way to gmail, I can get a sense of what is happening in the world. Sometimes I dig harder, I check in at my hot spots for news of the world, articles on theatre and arts, travel, stuff that interests me, etc. Some days though, I receive my news of the day from Facebook. I often wonder what other people "learn" on their Facebook page. I am reeeeeeeally liberal and most of my Facebook friends are too. I have the occasional family member or long ago relationship "friended" again that maybe don't hang entirely in my circle. It's very rare but sometimes I hide a post or delete a comment that I feel goes too far. I have unfriended, but it has to be really bad. Family (and family-in-law) stays and I also want people to think what they want. Hate is not tolerated on my page. Different views of religion or guns or Planned Parenthood...ummmmm...okay. I will tolerate you.

I wonder what people who swing right scroll through? Anti gun control memes, Fox news articles, their version of Bad Lip Reading with Obama? Their version of what is happening in the world is so vastly different from mine. And from my friends. I scroll through equal rights for all, universal health care, love each other posts. I follow links to news articles from my friends. I also sometimes follow links to "happy news." Thank Jesus because I would never have found the "banker who saves baby ducks" video which made my week.  I also have a lot of strong, vocal, smart, awesome, female friends on Facebook (and in real life.) I know it is just Facebook but...something is happening. Something is shifting.
My lady friends are mad. MAD.

It isn't just about Steubenville. It's been bubbling up. The election, "legimate rape", Hillary, The Violence Against Women Act (who votes AGAINST the Violence Against Women Act???? Seriously?), even Lena Dunham! I wrote a whole blog (in my head) about the Lena Dunham/Patrick Wilson hubabaloo. This happened in January and if you know me (all 5 people who read my blog) this is a busy time for me so I never actually wrote it. I would catch articles and tweets here and there and was just...shocked. Why were people being so mean to this girl? She's a little chubby and people were just crushing her. There was no way this gorgeous (subjective) doctor would have sex with her. Are you joking? I know the world is an unbalanced place. I also know as a woman I have it so, so, so good here in comparison. First world problems are some assholes in the media slamming the writer/actress of my new favorite show not being shot in the head trying to go school. BUT STILL!!! I was mad. Leave her alone. You think her show is trite, unrealistic, full of unlikable characters? Fine. Criticize her work. Fine. You think she's fat? Fuck you!
As a "little" chubby, young actress I was fortunate to be surrounded by people who just didn't know. My theatre company thought I was perfect and beautiful and cast me in roles I never would have had in NYC or LA. I struggled with it. My insides. I wasn't good enough because I was fat. I went to the gym and swam and hiked and did yoga and ate veggies and I also drank too much beer and ate too many chips and salsa (I still do all those things.) Fine. My burden to accept or change. I can NOT imagine getting on stage and performing something I wrote and directed and a critic saying well, she's just too fat and ugly. As a 25 year old. This would have destroyed me. And here is my soapbox y'all, this just would not happen to Jonah Hill. It just wouldn't. It happened to Lena Dunham because she is a woman.

Okay maybe I should have written that blog.

Are women second class citizens? You are not thin enough to be desirable (gross!), you hit a certain age and you aren't married (sad!), you hit another age and you don't have kids (shocking!), you get drunk at a party and it's free reign... You're not good enough to really matter. What is this? As a woman how do I change this? Do I stop buying the magazines? Do I stop wearing short skirts? Do I stop watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (yes, I watch this show and like it. Guilty pleasure.) I shouldn't have to do this. I'm not entirely sure what to do. Except to keep on. Writing shows from my perspective. Supporting my female artists. Staying aware. Voting for equality. Perhaps staying just a little bit angry that Steubenville happened. That some people's opinion of those events are so unbelievably fucked up.

Something is shifting. This is the year. Change is coming.

 Here I am performing a show I wrote called ROT. A little chubby. Who fucking cares?
                                               It was a good show.