Sunday, November 24, 2013

That's better

I'm trying to blog more often. I have to blog a lot while we are in Uganda for the TCG grant. It seems like I should get in the habit now.

What to write about...?

It is the end of November. Are you aware of this? What. The. Hell? This year is almost over.
How did that happen?

2012 was kind of a bummer year. Hard, weird... more hard. I had really hoped that 2013 would be better than 2012. And it totally was.
It wasn't perfect. There was still some hard shit. However, that hard shit ended up being knowledge and truth. That specific knowledge and  truth also made the difficulty of 2012 make sense. It's not always easy to learn the hard things. You fit the pieces into the puzzle and then you step back. "Oh look, it's a picture of a sunset on the ocean. I see it now." Everything makes so much sense. It doesn't really take away the pain of the hard situation but at least you have some answers. Some explanation. Some sense of things.
"Oh. I see. Mystery solved."
You don't feel better, per se, but you feel a little less foolish, less guilty, less bitter. Sometimes feeling less of a bad feeling is almost as good as simply feeling happy. Especially if the bad feeling has been with you for a while.
You at least feel better.

I write a lot of blogs about being happy. As a theatre artist, I am fascinated by the human condition. Why are people cruel to one another? How do we persevere? Why do some people go through life mad? Irritated. Negative. What's your problem already? Why can't we all just decide to be happy? How does one feel happy? Or at least how do we feel better?

I'm not talking about the moments of life tragedy. A death, a disaster, a horrible heartbreak...these are rough times. They take time, help, work. I watched Lars von Trier's film Antichrist last night. I will not go into it because it is a LOADED movie but Charlotte Gainsbourg's portrayal of his vision of what grief looks like was pretty incredible. I'm not talking about that. I mean the every day, getting through, this is my life, feeling better.  

Perhaps I should focus on how I feel better. I learned some hard truths and I feel better. What else can make me feel better? 

I recently cut back on gluten. It makes me a little irritated that it is working, but the truth is that I feel better. My body feels better (apparently, I should not be living off IPA beer and tortillas after all.)

I hurt my knee about 8 months ago. I just twisted it funny but the shitty thing about being in my forties is that I don't bounce back the same way. I needed to rest it but instead I carried on. My knee stayed hurt. I actually found myself looking for an elevator the other day at UNM so that I didn't have to hobble up the stairs. And then I was super mad about it. So, I have skipped a few weeks of intense workouts. I'm only doing walks with the pup (in a brace) and arm weights. My knee needed some rest. It feels better.

I had a theatre teacher who taught me about values. You choose three values before each show and then you spend the show achieving them (there's more to it, but that's the short version.) It doesn't have to be deep. I actually often pick "remember your lines" or "be hilarious." I have started doing values with my life. Not every day but more like month by month. Right now it is patience, delegation, and human connection. These are my values. I have to work at them. The drive thru at the bank is not for those of you that have several transactions and a bunch of questions and no deposit slip or a pen... walk your lazy ass into the bank already. However, holding these values close is making me feel better.

I suppose feeling "better" is a good thing to strive for. This moment is better than the last moment. This month is better than last month. This year is better than last year. I suppose eventually each "better" moment builds until the moment is fantastic! Amazing! Incredible! Joyful!

Baby steps. Baby steps to joy.


                                               These two make me feel better. Always.