That is Mrs. Doormat to you, sir.

I have been contemplating the honesty and transparency in my writing. I write about personal things but I do feel that I keep a shield up. Things are just a little bit vague or I will 50% something in order to not sound crazy, to protect people, to make sure my foot doesn't ends up in my mouth.

We all have that friend on Facebook who posts a lot and always says whatever the hell they want. A small part of you thinks, "You go girl" but the larger part of you thinks, "Jesus, you are a mess." You never say anything but you do secretly pat yourself on the back for not being like "that girl." I am thoughtful. I chose my words carefully. I try to keep my private bits private.

I don't know. Why don't we just say what we think? I'm not interested in saying hurtful things to people, but why do I find it so necessary to be careful about what I say? Is it manners? Is it my southern roots? Fear? Oppression? Habit? Is it taught to us as young girls?  Don't make people unhappy. Be a people pleaser. I see it in my female friends all the time. We aim to please.

My friend Marya and I were talking recently about the woes of being a producer. Specifically, the woes of being a female producer. The "Is there a man I can talk to?" attitude that can sometimes happen was a topic of course, but I fixated on the way I behave. I have often felt bullied. I will start strong and put my foot down only to find myself apologizing at the end. Why do I do that?
Why do I make myself small? Why do I apologize for not being able to do what someone else wants when I don't want it or I just can't make it happen?

At times, I become a doormat. I let people walk over me. Several years ago, I became a constant doormat for someone. A colleague (and I thought friend) who I worked with spent two years doormatting me. I did his work for him, I made excuses for him, I helped him out, I worked extra hard to make sure he continued to receive the same pay as I did while he lied, cheated, stole, and manipulated me. FOR TWO YEARS. I knew in my gut for about a year that it wasn't right, but I did nothing. I had moments, like when he arrived 45 minutes late to a super important meeting and then blustered about and took credit for all my hard work, when I was furious and told him how I felt. He would lie to my face about some family problem or whatever boohoohoo and I would fall right back in line. I allowed myself to be manipulated and walked all over. Again and again. I look back at this and think how on earth did I let that happen and for so long? Yes, this person is a narcissist. I'm certain he is pleased with his work. He played me and I fell for it. For way too long.
So..
How does one keep that from happening again? And why do I still have moments when I realize I am dangerously close to being a doormat again. I got myself away from that horrible person and I feel like I learned a lot from that situation. About myself and people. I'm certainly more jaded. Which maybe is a bummer but I'm okay with that. I don't think I would ever find myself in that situation again, but how can I stay away from being doormatted entirely? It really isn't up to the rest of the world, its up to me. I need to say "This won't work for me" and just let it be okay.
Of course it is okay. I work hard for my projects. I work hard to find funding. I work hard to keep things afloat. I work hard on my art, my company, the work. I shouldn't have to apologize to someone because they want to do something and I either can't or don't.

I can't afford your show in my festival. Sorry.
I can't co-produce your show. Sorry.
I don't have time to help you make your project happen. Sorry.
I can't meet with you. Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Why am I so sorry?

I stepped on your toe and it hurt you? I am so sorry. I would never want to hurt you.

I know that my tendency to doormat myself is much less than I used to be, but I would like to remove it all together. I'd like more of my female leaders to do the same. I will apologize if I hurt you. I will not apologize because I won't do what you want. It comes back to that honesty thing. What if I was just honest? What if I didn't worry about pleasing everyone or how saying no might make someone mad? This shouldn't be a bad way of working. I feel like men can function like this. They are called charismatic and powerful. This blog is not about men. It's about my patterns. I just unfortunately see that pattern with other women.

I aim to change things. At least for me. Standing strong. I'll wipe my feet and come on in.

Strong

What a beauty

Starting up the ol' bloggity blog again. I feel like I am only really good about my blog when I am traveling. We leave in about two months for tour, so I'm going to try to get the blogging routine back in my bones. Which means this will be a nothing blog. A blog about my everyday life and thoughts.

How are things since I last blogged?
Things are pretty good.

Last week was Aaron and my 10 YEAR ANNIVERSARY! Say what? That is bananas. At the wedding Aaron wanted to have shirts that said "Juli and Aaron May 13th, 2006" on the front and "I give 'em a year." on the back. I told him no (he also wanted to sell them, I mean, seriously.)
We made it 10 years! More in love than ever. He's the greatest thing in the whole wide world. I'm a lucky duck.

We went to Jemez Springs for a few days for our anniversary. It was awesome. We took the pup and just relaxed and hung out.

Here is Shudek relaxing on the hammock. It's hard to be a sausage.

Fenton Lake.

If you are reading this blog and you know me, you know that I am a combo of two things: adventurous and clumsy. I often injure myself while adventuring. It's a boring story that didn't actually happen while doing something crazy, but on Thursday I hurt my eye. I tried to ignore it because it was my anniversary trip and I didn't want the trip to be ruined. However, it got so bad that on the morning of our actual anniversary, I woke Aaron up and told him he had to take me to a doctor. He looked at my swollen, red, gross eyeball and agreed. 

After a few u-turns and on the verge of tears (me, not him, he is used to this) we found a health clinic in Jemez Pueblo. I walked in the first door I saw and explained that I was on vacation with my husband and something was wrong with my eye and I needed a doctor. 

The lady at the desk said, "Do you want to see our eye doctor?" 

Are you kidding?

I said, "Yes, do you have an eye doctor in today?"

She said, "Yeah, he came in today to do paperwork. He's right there." She pointed behind me. 

He saw me immediately. 

He dilated my eye and did a bunch of stuff with the giant alien machine and then he told me that I had massive trauma on my eyeball. There was a half moon cut on my eyeball that went really deep. It had also become infected and I now had Iritis. He gave me steroids and antibiotics, told me that I should take a week off and rest my eye (are you kidding me?) and come back and see him in a week. He gave me his cell number in case it got worse while we were in Jemez. He told me it was REALLY BAD and he would make a house call if needed.

Jesus.

We did take it easy. The cabin had a giant whirlpool tub for two and a hammock outside so...

Relaxing.

Battleship Rock. I love a rock that looks like a ship. 

Today I had to go back to Jemez Pueblo and see the doctor for my follow up. I took the day off from all work related things and left this morning at 9am. The "gaping gash" (as the doctor lovingly called it) has healed. He is a little worried that it might scar so I have to keep using the steroids for two more weeks. But all in all, things look good. 

All better! That weird stuff is dye. Also, I used to do my makeup like this in high school. 

Yellow eye shadow that made me look sick 'cause, you know, I was a New Waver.

That long, boring backstory is to tell you this: I had to take the day off and go back up to Jemez and DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FUCKING BEAUTIFUL NEW MEXICO IS?

I just forget. Or I remember everyday but I forget to really feel it. To really see it and appreciate it. When I travel elsewhere, I take a hundred photos and write blogs about the magic of Prague, the green of Seattle, the charm of Krakow, the aliveness of Belize, the gorgeous light in Uganda, the brightness of Cozumel, etc, etc. etc. but I don't write much about the sheer beauty of New Mexico. What a lovely state this is.

Oh the sky!

I felt it was fitting to restart my blog, which is basically a travel blog, with an entry about the magic of home. I drove to Jemez Pueblo and the rocks and mountain ranges were just so beautiful. 

Red rocks!

The people at the clinic (both before and today) were warm, kind, and brilliant people. After my follow up appointment, I went into the town of Jemez Springs and paid $20 at The Giggling Springs to soak for an hour (I mean, if you're going to take the day off, just do it) in the natural hot springs that sit next to the river right in town. 

 It was hard to take a face selfie.

 Giggling Springs

Jemez River

On the way back I stopped by the side of the road near the Walatowa visitor center and ate an Indian taco (most of one, those things are HUGE!) Fry bread is so yummy.

Delicious. 

I drove home, listening to music, thinking about the upcoming show I am directing, and stopping to take a few pictures. 

No filter. Zero. Nada. It just looks like that. 

 Okay, I used a filter here. 

There has been a lot happening in my life. There are changes and exciting new things. Some things I am a little unsure of. Some things I know for sure. Such is life. Maybe the next blog I'll talk about that stuff. I'm looking forward to the road ahead. I always am. 

We live in a beautiful world. Yeah we do, yeah we do. 

 New Mexico

Seawitch