I think my favorite moment in this pandemic is when I
discovered that someone broke into Tricklock and tried to rob us.
This was last week and I had just made the heartbreaking
decision to postpone the rest of the festival. My mind was going 100 miles a
minute- we have to cancel all the flights, let all the artists know, contact
all the funders, connect with the staff, refund all the tickets. Will people
give us our deposits back? Can artists get home? What if they can’t? How will
we pay for all of this? Will grants still pay us? What is going to happen to—
Phone rings. It is Elsa. “I’m sorry to be the one to tell
you this, but it looks like someone broke into T-Lab. Rhiannon is there now and
she says stuff is everywhere and it looks like they tried to take the safe.”
In that moment, I reached this weird calm that is
still mostly with me. It’s so beyond me.
I’ve never had a situation quite like COVID-19 happen before and certainly not
in a moment where I have to be the one to make the decisions. I have no idea
what the right thing is to do. Every day, every minute something comes down the
pipe and you just have to do what you think is best. Sometimes
you have really awesome people around you to help you make decisions. Sometimes the
awesome people just need you to just make a decision. The people who broke in didn’t
take anything of value. We dealt with the break in as we were dealing with
canceling shows, contacting staff and patrons and artists and (ugh) the flights…
Last Friday, I started getting frantic messages from the
three UK artists who were in Australia and had tickets to arrive in Albuquerque
on Tuesday. We had bought them tickets for Monday from Adelaide to LA and then
because they got in to LA late, we had rented a hotel near the airport for
them. The next day they would fly LAX to ABQ and then two weeks later they
would fly Albuquerque to London- all on different plane tickets. After we
canceled the festival I contacted them to let them know what was happening.
They were thinking of coming to Albuquerque anyway, even though the festival
had been canceled, but in 24 hours the shit had hit the fan so hard that they were
anxious to get home as soon as possible. So we went to work, canceling tickets
and looking for new flights to get them from Adelaide to London. It was hard
and expensive. This situation has happened over and over again in the wake of
canceling the festival. It’s slowed down, but it keeps coming. Canceling
tickets, accommodations, food orders, all while trying to get everyone paid. I don’t
know what the fallout will be with all of this. We have a plan for now, but who
knows what the future holds. It doesn’t look good.
I’m so worried for everyone. I’m worried for vulnerable
people’s health. I’m worried for all the hourly wage workers, artists,
freelancers, and everyone who lives hand to mouth. I’m worried for my
international friends. I’ve been texting
with a lot of friends who have been sending me information from their country. Governments
around the world are doing a bad job. Well…maybe not Jacinda. She’s a rock star
and I wish she was queen of the whole world. Because of the things that are
right in front of me, I can’t think beyond this moment to the positive shifts
that may be coming. I’m too worried for my sick loved one, my struggling
company, my artist friends losing their jobs left and right. If I do take a
step back, I wonder if nature sent us this virus to wipe us out because we deserve
it. In the aftermath of all of this, is it possible we (we being humans) will
finally see that we need to stop killing the planet, we need to care for our
community, that greed is ruining us? Will this epidemic bring empathy back to
our lives?
I pulled into the parking lot at my local grocery store on
Wednesday and a woman was walking to her car, parked next to mine, and she was
crying. I was getting a bag out of my backseat and she said, “That man inside
was so mean to me.” I asked her what happened and she explained that she has
cancer and she is trying to find toilet paper. She was trying to get the
manager to sell her a box of Kleenex that was behind the counter and he wouldn’t
sell it to her. She said, “I understand that he can’t and won’t but he was just
so mean to me.” We talked about how people are scared and stressed. How it wasn’t
okay for him to be mean to her. I tried over and over again to get her to wait
while I went home and got her toilet paper. She said no, that she just needed
to cry and talk before she got in her car and drove. Maybe one thing we will
walk away from COVID-19 with is compassion. I feel like there is a type of
human who will thrive in this situation and it is humans who care. Humans who
are used to taking care of others and allowing people to care for them. It is the people who often do without, because
they have to. Who make beauty and art and richness out of very little. And
these are not the people in charge of our world. Greed rules the world right
now. But maybe kindness is about to rise up and take its rightful place on the
throne.
A friend posted on Facebook that she was worried about her
upcoming wedding and then was simultaneously worried that being worried about it
made her seem selfish. I think it is okay for all of us to be sad about things
lost in the midst of the virus. I had three festivals I was going to this
summer. Two in the UK and another in South Africa. All of them are canceled. We
were going to take my parents with us to the UK and after the festival we were
going to take them to Paris and Amsterdam for one last big holiday, as they are
getting older and overseas travel isn’t as easy as it used to be. I am sad this
is not happening. I’m grateful we had a little money saved for that trip
because we are now living off of it. I know it is a privilege to be able to
travel. It is a privilege to be invited to festivals and work with artists around
the globe. It is also my life’s work. I worked incredibly hard to create
international programs, make connections, teach myself about this work. It is
who I am. It’s not the only thing I am. I am a wife, a daughter, a friend, a
godparent, a mom to a dog and two cats, a lover of nature, a swimmer, etc. But
my entire life’s work- theatre, art, and international diplomacy- is all
hanging on by a thread. It’s weird and I think it is okay that I feel weird
about it. I am grateful for my life. I am grateful I have a home, a partner, a
little bit of money in the bank, food to eat, and a normal amount of toilet
paper in the closet.
I work from home a lot so that part isn’t that different for
me. Not teaching is strange and the social distancing is going to get weirder as
it goes along. But for now, we’re holed up. Our pets seem super happy to have
me around all the time. My dog is on top of me every second and the cats follow
me around meowing for pets (our cats are obsessed with Aaron so any attention
from them is a thing.)
Aaron brought his guitar amp out the living room and so our
house is full of rock and roll. I usually don’t have time for all the great TV shows that
exist so here’s my chance! However, instead I have watched two old 80’s
comedies and some Law and Order for the 100th time. I’ve tried
reading and I can’t concentrate. Same with the cool TV shows. My mind can’t
focus. I am also eating terribly. I convince myself that I am supporting local restaurants,
but really I just crave comfort food which for me is bread, cheese, salsa, and
anything made of corn or potatoes. My yoga studio is closed and it is one of
the great joys in my life. I love my yoga practice and I love my yoga
community. I miss my favorite teacher’s goofy jokes and bright smile. I know I
can do yoga in my living room, but I’m not terribly motivated. I know that I
have to find some routine but it’s only been a few days. I’m working a lot and I
think it’s okay if I’m not very productive otherwise. At least for a bit. Maybe
Monday is a good day to start a new stay-at-home routine.
I hope everyone is doing okay. I hope this passes soon. I
hope beauty comes out of it.
I hope, I hope, I
hope.
I was crying last Thursday and trying to Facetime someone so I took my photo because it was just so raw.
