Sometimes it takes thousands of miles to look inside

There is this line in Cameron Crowe's movie Say Anything... that I think about a lot. Lloyd tells his depressed and angry sister, "Just be happy. How hard is it to just be happy?"

How hard is it really?

I've been a little angry lately. I won't go into it because it is boring but what a waste of time. Being angry. Or bitter. Or self-important. I took my problems and held them close and wrapped my arms around them and looked only in. And I got mad.
It took a little trip to Europe to find some perspective but I think I found it.

                                           This woman alone gives me perspective.


What if I just opened my arms up and let the shit fly. Maybe something gets dropped. Maybe someone catches some of it. Maybe someone says they will catch it and then they don't and then I am disappointed but I'm done being angry about it. Being angry is dumb. I was holding things too closely and it was making me self righteous and sour. Truthfully, I wasn't doing that great of a job at anything anyway because I held too much in arms.

I couldn't open the door with all that shit I was holding.

I don't know for sure if I can sustain this feeling. If I can make this feeling action. But I am going to try. What is the point of walking around on this earth if you're not happy. I mean REALLY happy? Aaron's brother and his wife were in town last night. I love these two. We don't see each other often but when we do it is so fun and it feels joyful. Stacie (my sister in law, who I adore) always says how happy Aaron and I look. Because we are happy. We have a good life with a lot of joy. I'm not saying shit doesn't get hard but I don't think I need to hold it so close to myself anymore. I'm buried in my phone, angry about an e-mail while Aaron is standing in front of me waiting for a hug. What? That is dumb.
Attitude adjustment commencing.

It's lovely how a trip away can help you find your center. Krakow and Prague were lovely. Time with my husband was awesome. Seeing old friends is always great but made extraordinary when you spend time with them and realize how fabulous they are doing. What cool and amazing people they are.

                                              Seriously. These women are goddesses.

I have blisters from walking so much, an extra 5 pounds from eating and drinking, and the best stories and memories. Here are two:

1. We are all downstairs at a cafe and I order a piece of honey cake. It comes and starts its journey around the table. When it gets to Katy she says, "What is that I'm tasting in there that is so great? What is that...? Oh. Right. It is honey."

2. Kate and I are having a girl's day out and as we walk down the stairs to the metro, a man stops us with a gold circle thing in his hand and says something in Czech. Kate says, "No thank you. We don't want to buy anything." and starts to move around him and he steps in front and says. "Police."
Oh. Right. You would like to see our metro tickets.

Tiny moments. Both made me explode into laughter. There was an enormous amount of genuine laughter and smiling for two weeks straight. It was rad.

Also, sometimes when I travel I think I should start a blog about all the things I learn while traveling. Small things that make a difference like choice of shoes or how arriving early in a city can be hard because you might not be able to check in early and will be stuck wandering around. This trip I learned that people give horrible directions. They know the city and will say, "Oh just get off the metro and go right. You'll see it." No, no I won't see it because every street sign is in Czech and right is relative to which way you exit the metro. Make sure you have directions or Google maps on your phone or gps or whatever or you will get frustrated and yell at your sweet husband on the street. And really he has a pretty good sense of direction. On that note, traveling with someone you adore and love being with helps a lot. Every situation is amazing or tolerable because of who is standing next to you. A good lesson.

                                                           Standing together. 

                                                        A good day to begin again. 

What's a girl to do?

Most every day I spend a good chunk of time online. I try to take "technology free" days. I like to purposely travel to places where technology is a bit harder to access (or make commitments while traveling to limit the technology.) But I have a job that requires me to be online a fair amount. E-mail communication, grant research and submissions, quickbooks online, etc.

My homepage is BBC news. Even if I simply glance through the front page on my way to gmail, I can get a sense of what is happening in the world. Sometimes I dig harder, I check in at my hot spots for news of the world, articles on theatre and arts, travel, stuff that interests me, etc. Some days though, I receive my news of the day from Facebook. I often wonder what other people "learn" on their Facebook page. I am reeeeeeeally liberal and most of my Facebook friends are too. I have the occasional family member or long ago relationship "friended" again that maybe don't hang entirely in my circle. It's very rare but sometimes I hide a post or delete a comment that I feel goes too far. I have unfriended, but it has to be really bad. Family (and family-in-law) stays and I also want people to think what they want. Hate is not tolerated on my page. Different views of religion or guns or Planned Parenthood...ummmmm...okay. I will tolerate you.

I wonder what people who swing right scroll through? Anti gun control memes, Fox news articles, their version of Bad Lip Reading with Obama? Their version of what is happening in the world is so vastly different from mine. And from my friends. I scroll through equal rights for all, universal health care, love each other posts. I follow links to news articles from my friends. I also sometimes follow links to "happy news." Thank Jesus because I would never have found the "banker who saves baby ducks" video which made my week.  I also have a lot of strong, vocal, smart, awesome, female friends on Facebook (and in real life.) I know it is just Facebook but...something is happening. Something is shifting.
My lady friends are mad. MAD.

It isn't just about Steubenville. It's been bubbling up. The election, "legimate rape", Hillary, The Violence Against Women Act (who votes AGAINST the Violence Against Women Act???? Seriously?), even Lena Dunham! I wrote a whole blog (in my head) about the Lena Dunham/Patrick Wilson hubabaloo. This happened in January and if you know me (all 5 people who read my blog) this is a busy time for me so I never actually wrote it. I would catch articles and tweets here and there and was just...shocked. Why were people being so mean to this girl? She's a little chubby and people were just crushing her. There was no way this gorgeous (subjective) doctor would have sex with her. Are you joking? I know the world is an unbalanced place. I also know as a woman I have it so, so, so good here in comparison. First world problems are some assholes in the media slamming the writer/actress of my new favorite show not being shot in the head trying to go school. BUT STILL!!! I was mad. Leave her alone. You think her show is trite, unrealistic, full of unlikable characters? Fine. Criticize her work. Fine. You think she's fat? Fuck you!
As a "little" chubby, young actress I was fortunate to be surrounded by people who just didn't know. My theatre company thought I was perfect and beautiful and cast me in roles I never would have had in NYC or LA. I struggled with it. My insides. I wasn't good enough because I was fat. I went to the gym and swam and hiked and did yoga and ate veggies and I also drank too much beer and ate too many chips and salsa (I still do all those things.) Fine. My burden to accept or change. I can NOT imagine getting on stage and performing something I wrote and directed and a critic saying well, she's just too fat and ugly. As a 25 year old. This would have destroyed me. And here is my soapbox y'all, this just would not happen to Jonah Hill. It just wouldn't. It happened to Lena Dunham because she is a woman.

Okay maybe I should have written that blog.

Are women second class citizens? You are not thin enough to be desirable (gross!), you hit a certain age and you aren't married (sad!), you hit another age and you don't have kids (shocking!), you get drunk at a party and it's free reign... You're not good enough to really matter. What is this? As a woman how do I change this? Do I stop buying the magazines? Do I stop wearing short skirts? Do I stop watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (yes, I watch this show and like it. Guilty pleasure.) I shouldn't have to do this. I'm not entirely sure what to do. Except to keep on. Writing shows from my perspective. Supporting my female artists. Staying aware. Voting for equality. Perhaps staying just a little bit angry that Steubenville happened. That some people's opinion of those events are so unbelievably fucked up.

Something is shifting. This is the year. Change is coming.

 Here I am performing a show I wrote called ROT. A little chubby. Who fucking cares?
                                               It was a good show.

Jodie Foster's Army

I like Spotify. It's free and plays all the music I like. I, however, am not a huge fan of how it posts on my Facebook page what I have been listening to.

I never really listened to what I would call "pop music." I'm sure the kids are calling it something different. I think back to when I started to learn about music as a kid. I suppose I did like some popular music and remember getting albums for Christmas that most other kids got but then I remember being 11 maybe and really liking The Boomtown Rats. This was not what I would call a popular band at the time. This moved on to bands like Bauhaus, The Smiths, The Cure, Siouxsie and the Banshees... etc. I also liked some Ska bands, some Reggae, a fair amount of punk rock. I think most of these bands are considered "pop music" now but they were not at the time. The more underground music, dress, and activities are all pretty routinely accepted today. Tattoos and piercings are no big deal. Purple or blue hair are no big deal. All black wardrobes covered in safety pins are no big deal. And The Cure is a pretty popular band (albiet considered a "classic" band, which means they are old.) In 1987 my dad would yell for me to turn the music down and he would insult Robert Smith by saying he sounded like Julia Childs trying to sing. And I would get mad at my dad and slam my bedroom door.

In 1987 people would scream mean things out the car window at you as you walked home from The Vandals concert with your multi-colored hair, creepers, black circles around your eyes...
we considered ourselves weirdos and we aligned with other weirdos.

               Anything with skeletons was considered cool. My punkrock dog is cool.

Even as I got older I think my musical taste stayed a bit more left of center (yes, Nirvana and Soundgarden became huge but they weren't in 1989 when I first started listening to them and going to the concerts.) As time has gone on though, I started liking this thing I call pop music more and more. I really like Rihanna. It started out as a workout thing but soon became just hanging out at the house. At first I hid it but now I am fine with it. I like a lot of different kinds of music and I'm not ashamed.

Except...

I kinda like that new Taylor Swift song about never, ever getting back together and I'm embarassed when Facebook rats me out. I blame my "lack of pop music as a child" for this.

Happy December all. Only one month left in 2012!



 

Political rant- maybe don't read me?

I can understand the hate. In a way. I really can.

The election went my way. My personal and political beliefs. My thoughts on how this country should behave. How people should behave. The election was good for me. It was.

So...you're a person who is mad. So mad that you feel hatred and rage inside you. You get angry at the Facebook posts, angry at the bumper sticker, angry at Rachel Maddow...whatever.

I'd like to know what you are so very mad about?

Really.

Here's my thing: I feel like the majority of the country decided that basic human rights were more important than money. That's it.

You're mad because you think ONE guy (Obama) is the cause of our bad economy. In four years he ALL BY HIMSELF screwed the whole country financially? Really? He may not be doing the exact right thing but do you honestly think he is the reason? Really?

You're mad because maybe you're anti-choice? You hate that women are on a continued path to control their own bodies? Okay, I don't get this but can respect the passion you have. You think abortion is murder. Got it. Sorry you feel sad. Really, I am. Keep standing out there on Lomas with your signs. That is your right. Maybe volunteer at the teen pregnacy clinic helping girls out. Keep up the good work. Do what's right for your heart. But again, if you think ONE GUY makes abortion happen all willy nilly everywhere...ummmm... I don't even know what to say here.

You're mad about welfare. This is the biggest thing I see. Okay. I kinda get it. You work hard. You've never gotten food stamps. You've struggled. Do you honestly believe that EVERY SINGLE PERSON on welfare is a lazy dick? Or do you think maybe it is that 16 year old mom who opted not to have an abortion and is struggling to take care of her kid?

You're mad about healthcare. Let me tell you about two kinds of people who often do not and will not have health care through their employers. Waitstaff and daycare workers. Yes, lazy dick may also not have it but lazy dick goes to UNMH which you pay for with your property taxes already. So the next time you drop your kid off at the daycare or have a nice meal at the diner down the street, think about how great it will be for those people to get some fucking antibiotics when they have strep throat.

I would be mad if it had gone another way. Mad watching smug FOX news relish in it. Mad that people voted based on their bible. Your bible is awesome. It is not my government. I'd be mad that the majority of America decided that basic human rights are their rights only. This seems like bullshit to me.

I am a liberal. I don't want your guns. I don't expect you to understand how an abortion might save a girl's life. I don't need you to give me or anyone else a handout. However, I refuse to look my gay friends in the face and say, "I am a more important person than you." And if you are a decent human being you should refuse this too.

I just want to be the best person I can. And I feel like maybe a bit more than half the country wants this too.

                          A family. Photo by the brilliant, amazing (and gay) Karen Milling




 

Melancholy

Fall is here! Hurrah! I love it when it gets a little colder. I like Halloween and Thanksgiving. I like boots and sweaters. I like it all.

It also means 2012 is almost over. Stupid 2012. You have not been so good to me. No offense.

How does one turn their luck around? Elsa tells me to put my wants and hopes out into the universe and then it will give it back. Erin told me to watch this documentary about making shit happen (I still haven't.) It's not like things are terrible or something but they haven't quite gone as I'd hoped. Little things, bigger things... life's okay and then something kinda sucky will happen.

Aaron and I finished watching the mini-series Mildred Pierce last night (damn you're so awesome Kate Winslet!) I would rather be me than Mildred. So I got that going for me, I guess.

I did decide to do something radical with my life recently and I went ahead and quit my second job. I've been working halftime for 6 years as the Administrative Director at Albuquerque Preschool Cooperative. I love the school and the people and it has been truly a joy to work there. I'm leaving to work only at Tricklock. ONLY work my theatre job. Whoa. Crazypants. No, Tricklock did not suddenly come into a shit ton of money. Aaron and I will have to get creative about our budget but I think we can do it. I cannot wait to work ONE job. Will I actually be able to finish things on time? Will I sleep better? Will I accomplish most of what I want to accomplish? Will I actually get to spend more time with my husband? The answer is yes. I have decided. YES.

My last day is in late spring and then Aaron and I leave for our epic Europe trip. See you soon Prague.

                                                    We really do like each other

I recently finished book one of yet another vampire/werewolves/wizards book for teenagers. I think instead of picking up book number two I will spend the fall reading depressing, heartbreaking books. I quite like books like this. A little Larry Brown or William Faulkner (maybe I just like southern writers?)  I'll just embrace the difficulties, the season, the year. Look upward, push forward but also read this Cormac McCarthy book Drew gave me.

Healing, healing, healing...still healing. Things are going very well on that front. Feeling better every day. I did have to step out of an acrobatic move in the new show. Drew had to step in (speaking of Drew.) I just didn't think I'd be up for the challenge before we opened. I'm getting it back though.

NEW SHOW!!! Opens this Thursday. I really, really, really like it. It is weird, dark, funny, and strange. Come see it! It's called Finger Mouth and I'll be all over FB with it here soon. Yesterday was our long tech day and it was so much fun. Just Hannah, Nando, Alex, and me working away. It reminded me of early Tricklock days. We were laughing and working and getting shit done. We stopped mid day for burgers and beers and then we went back to work. It was a great day. I can't wait to continue the journey of this show.

I hope October is treating you well. Cheers. xo



 

Nothing. Sup with you?

I posted an update on Facebook because I had quite a few e-mails and FB messages asking how I was so I thought a post would let everyone know. Only not everyone knows I had surgery so I ended up with a bunch of "what's up?" questions. Hi friends. Thanks for caring.

On Wednesday the 26th I had a robotic myomectomy. Basically I had some non-cancerous tumors inside me and a robot went in and took them out. One was about 2 inches, one was the size of a peach, and one was the size of a large orange. Yikes. If you read my previous blog you know about how I was feeling but basically it was bad. Big tumors inside you are bad. For about a year I was exhausted, bloated, lethargic, in pain, crabby, etc. I've been pretty miserable for a while. My mom came into town to help take care of me (she rocks!) and she and my husband took me in at 5:30am for my 3 hour surgery.

I'm five days out and I already feel like a new woman! I still have a pretty sharp, burning pain in one of my incisions (I have five small ones) as it heals but my other pain is gone, my head feels clearer, and I just feel happier. Hurrah! I'm looking forward to getting my freaking life back.

Some things I learned:
1. I have amazing dexterity in my toes. I can't bend over and pick anything up so I pick things up with my toes.
2. My floor gets really dirty with two cats and a dog if I can't bend over every minute and pick shit up.
3. An efficient, all business nurse is better when you're in pain than a friendly chit-chatty nurse. Thanks Nurse Denise for my night in the hospital.
4. Laughing hurts when you are trying to heal from abdomen surgery.
5. My husband is really funny.

I have two teleconferences today and rehearsal tomorrow night but Wednesday will be my first big day back.  Bring it on. I never knew I could miss the gym so much.

                       Me in my messy bed. I've been watching a lot of movies and Law and Order reruns.



Some other things that have been happening in case you were wondering...

I turned 40. I went to Curacao (a tiny island off the coast of Venezuela) with 8 amazing friends. We swam, snorkeled, ate, drank, and basically had a rad time. On my birthday proper I was stung pretty badly by a jellyfish. Aside from having the normal horrible experience of jellyfish venom, I also had a severe allergic reaction which involved a high speed trip to medical help. I don't actually really remember much about the night but I've heard the story and it involved phrases like, "The paramedics starting treating you for cardiac arrest" and "and then you turned blue." It was scary and I do remember thinking I was going to die. For real. I have the most amazing friends ever who rallied and did everything they could to save me and to help Hannah and Katy who had also been stung and were in bad shape. Most of all, I am certain that my incredible husband saved my life. His quick thinking and calm care saved me. I'm sure of it. He also has PTSD from the experience. I owe him some foot rubs for sure. If you want to read a better story about this trip read this: http://www.nosignsinenglish.com/2012/09/what-i-learned-on-vacation.html

I am opening a new play in 4 weeks! It is called Finger Mouth and it is loosely based on hysteria and medical treatments in the 1800's in France. It was a rough start but the past few months have been amazing. Really joyful creation. It is a weird show. It's funny but dark with shadow puppets and other strange things. It may not be everyone's cup of tea but I am super proud of it. It's been a while since I made something like this and I can't wait to open it.

I am shifting my work life. I can't really go into right now but I will be focusing in on one job and I am super excited. It should relieve some of the heavy stress and pressure I have and will allow for true direction. I'll write more about this when I can.

Other than that I plan on enjoying the fall and am looking forward to the new year! We're doing a few things around the house. I plan to pick back up my workout routine. We're thinking of heading to Seattle for the holidays and are planning our epic trip to Europe this spring.

Good things are on the horizon. Out with the yucky, in with the good.
Breathe. Open. Yes.

Here we go.






 

A series of random thoughts

It's been a while (again.) Hi. How's things?

Okay, I don't like to post personal posts on Facebook. I try to keep my feelings about people who have died, my personal problems, political issues (although that one slips out some) to myself and keep my feed posts to random silly thoughts and updates on my theatre events. I think Facebook is silly and a way of promoting community so I try to keep to that. This is not a judgement on anyone who shares more. At all. I just don't think it is for me. I talk too much as it is and as I get older I realize that my personal life and feelings and other people's private secrets are not everyone else's business. I say this because I will probably post this link on Facebook for my friends to read. If strangers read it, sorry for the overshare.

I blog (once every few months) because it feels good to write stuff down. I'm not a journaler. I had a brief period in my early 20's when I wrote regularly about my feelings but I just don't anymore. Something about writing it down and letting it go out into the world feels scary and nice. It's also a nice break from grant research which monumentally hurts my brain. Also, I wish we lived in Canada. I google "theatre, general operating, grants" and 9,000 grants for Arts in Canada pops up.
Canada rocks.

I am at home working because I am having some health issues and I'm in a bit of pain. The short version is that I have some non-cancerous tumors in my uterus and I'm having surgery on September 26th. I've had a rough time for a while and it's nice to know that indeed something IS wrong with me and perhaps after surgery I will feel much better. I'm not nervous about the surgery and looking forward to it being over. I will say that sometimes tumors hurt a lot and despite what some brilliant minds may say my reproductive system does not have the ability to shut that whole thing down. .
Speaking of which, as a teenager I always wished it was the 1960's. Hippies and free love and poetry and crazy art and kick ass music. Now, thanks to the GOP and their views of female reproductive rights, it IS like the 60's. Thanks guys. I can only assume they are functioning under the belief that their brains are in their pants. My brain is in my head. Thanks.

I am really hoping that my yo-yo, haggered, tired shit will mellow a bit once my body stops fighting the aliens in my body. I would like a renewal of energy, motivation, and balance. Even if the surgery doesn't do this physically, I am hoping it does psychologically. Mind over matter. I'm tired of feeling tired.

                                             This is me tired, but for good reasons (camping.)


Okay, upon reflection, I will not post this on Facebook. Just letting some thoughts out.

Kisses.