I have been contemplating the honesty and transparency in my writing. I write about personal things but I do feel that I keep a shield up. Things are just a little bit vague or I will 50% something in order to not sound crazy, to protect people, to make sure my foot doesn't ends up in my mouth.
We all have that friend on Facebook who posts a lot and always says whatever the hell they want. A small part of you thinks, "You go girl" but the larger part of you thinks, "Jesus, you are a mess." You never say anything but you do secretly pat yourself on the back for not being like "that girl." I am thoughtful. I chose my words carefully. I try to keep my private bits private.
I don't know. Why don't we just say what we think? I'm not interested in saying hurtful things to people, but why do I find it so necessary to be careful about what I say? Is it manners? Is it my southern roots? Fear? Oppression? Habit? Is it taught to us as young girls? Don't make people unhappy. Be a people pleaser. I see it in my female friends all the time. We aim to please.
My friend Marya and I were talking recently about the woes of being a producer. Specifically, the woes of being a female producer. The "Is there a man I can talk to?" attitude that can sometimes happen was a topic of course, but I fixated on the way I behave. I have often felt bullied. I will start strong and put my foot down only to find myself apologizing at the end. Why do I do that?
Why do I make myself small? Why do I apologize for not being able to do what someone else wants when I don't want it or I just can't make it happen?
At times, I become a doormat. I let people walk over me. Several years ago, I became a constant doormat for someone. A colleague (and I thought friend) who I worked with spent two years doormatting me. I did his work for him, I made excuses for him, I helped him out, I worked extra hard to make sure he continued to receive the same pay as I did while he lied, cheated, stole, and manipulated me. FOR TWO YEARS. I knew in my gut for about a year that it wasn't right, but I did nothing. I had moments, like when he arrived 45 minutes late to a super important meeting and then blustered about and took credit for all my hard work, when I was furious and told him how I felt. He would lie to my face about some family problem or whatever boohoohoo and I would fall right back in line. I allowed myself to be manipulated and walked all over. Again and again. I look back at this and think how on earth did I let that happen and for so long? Yes, this person is a narcissist. I'm certain he is pleased with his work. He played me and I fell for it. For way too long.
So..
How does one keep that from happening again? And why do I still have moments when I realize I am dangerously close to being a doormat again. I got myself away from that horrible person and I feel like I learned a lot from that situation. About myself and people. I'm certainly more jaded. Which maybe is a bummer but I'm okay with that. I don't think I would ever find myself in that situation again, but how can I stay away from being doormatted entirely? It really isn't up to the rest of the world, its up to me. I need to say "This won't work for me" and just let it be okay.
Of course it is okay. I work hard for my projects. I work hard to find funding. I work hard to keep things afloat. I work hard on my art, my company, the work. I shouldn't have to apologize to someone because they want to do something and I either can't or don't.
I can't afford your show in my festival. Sorry.
I can't co-produce your show. Sorry.
I don't have time to help you make your project happen. Sorry.
I can't meet with you. Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Why am I so sorry?
I stepped on your toe and it hurt you? I am so sorry. I would never want to hurt you.
I know that my tendency to doormat myself is much less than I used to be, but I would like to remove it all together. I'd like more of my female leaders to do the same. I will apologize if I hurt you. I will not apologize because I won't do what you want. It comes back to that honesty thing. What if I was just honest? What if I didn't worry about pleasing everyone or how saying no might make someone mad? This shouldn't be a bad way of working. I feel like men can function like this. They are called charismatic and powerful. This blog is not about men. It's about my patterns. I just unfortunately see that pattern with other women.
I aim to change things. At least for me. Standing strong. I'll wipe my feet and come on in.
We all have that friend on Facebook who posts a lot and always says whatever the hell they want. A small part of you thinks, "You go girl" but the larger part of you thinks, "Jesus, you are a mess." You never say anything but you do secretly pat yourself on the back for not being like "that girl." I am thoughtful. I chose my words carefully. I try to keep my private bits private.
I don't know. Why don't we just say what we think? I'm not interested in saying hurtful things to people, but why do I find it so necessary to be careful about what I say? Is it manners? Is it my southern roots? Fear? Oppression? Habit? Is it taught to us as young girls? Don't make people unhappy. Be a people pleaser. I see it in my female friends all the time. We aim to please.
My friend Marya and I were talking recently about the woes of being a producer. Specifically, the woes of being a female producer. The "Is there a man I can talk to?" attitude that can sometimes happen was a topic of course, but I fixated on the way I behave. I have often felt bullied. I will start strong and put my foot down only to find myself apologizing at the end. Why do I do that?
Why do I make myself small? Why do I apologize for not being able to do what someone else wants when I don't want it or I just can't make it happen?
At times, I become a doormat. I let people walk over me. Several years ago, I became a constant doormat for someone. A colleague (and I thought friend) who I worked with spent two years doormatting me. I did his work for him, I made excuses for him, I helped him out, I worked extra hard to make sure he continued to receive the same pay as I did while he lied, cheated, stole, and manipulated me. FOR TWO YEARS. I knew in my gut for about a year that it wasn't right, but I did nothing. I had moments, like when he arrived 45 minutes late to a super important meeting and then blustered about and took credit for all my hard work, when I was furious and told him how I felt. He would lie to my face about some family problem or whatever boohoohoo and I would fall right back in line. I allowed myself to be manipulated and walked all over. Again and again. I look back at this and think how on earth did I let that happen and for so long? Yes, this person is a narcissist. I'm certain he is pleased with his work. He played me and I fell for it. For way too long.
So..
How does one keep that from happening again? And why do I still have moments when I realize I am dangerously close to being a doormat again. I got myself away from that horrible person and I feel like I learned a lot from that situation. About myself and people. I'm certainly more jaded. Which maybe is a bummer but I'm okay with that. I don't think I would ever find myself in that situation again, but how can I stay away from being doormatted entirely? It really isn't up to the rest of the world, its up to me. I need to say "This won't work for me" and just let it be okay.
Of course it is okay. I work hard for my projects. I work hard to find funding. I work hard to keep things afloat. I work hard on my art, my company, the work. I shouldn't have to apologize to someone because they want to do something and I either can't or don't.
I can't afford your show in my festival. Sorry.
I can't co-produce your show. Sorry.
I don't have time to help you make your project happen. Sorry.
I can't meet with you. Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Why am I so sorry?
I stepped on your toe and it hurt you? I am so sorry. I would never want to hurt you.
I know that my tendency to doormat myself is much less than I used to be, but I would like to remove it all together. I'd like more of my female leaders to do the same. I will apologize if I hurt you. I will not apologize because I won't do what you want. It comes back to that honesty thing. What if I was just honest? What if I didn't worry about pleasing everyone or how saying no might make someone mad? This shouldn't be a bad way of working. I feel like men can function like this. They are called charismatic and powerful. This blog is not about men. It's about my patterns. I just unfortunately see that pattern with other women.
I aim to change things. At least for me. Standing strong. I'll wipe my feet and come on in.
Strong
I really enjoyed that blog, and I think you have coined a phrase "Doormatting"..thanks...I know this has happened to me, too.
ReplyDeleteThanks Rob. I imagine it has happened to all of us. Such a hard thing to see while you are in it. :) I hope all is well with you!
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