Crazytown

I'm having a hard time focusing. 

Mondays are mostly "work from home" days. Monday evenings are always filled with company meetings or trainings, but the day is spent working from home. It's a nice way to start the week. I can wear comfy slippers and my dog always wants to be close to me while I am emailing. I have a lot to do. We have to raise a lot of money for the festival. I'm working on a new solo show that has an Excavations in early December. Hannah and I have an artistic retreat in a few days. But I just can't seem to focus. I am distracted by the election. 

What if he wins? 

I know that somehow we will all carry on. The president does not have ultimate power. Hopefully my people in Congress will put up a good fight. Our nation is big. It's divided. Really, it's hard to get anything done. In moments of despair I think, "I don't have any kids. My husband and I love international travel and we are both hard workers. We'll just take off and see what happens." Of course I am committed to trying to make our country a better place but... who are these people?

My first presidential election (that I could vote in) was 1992. I was twenty years old and super excited to vote. I was young and my knowledge of the world was minimal but I liked my candidate. He was young(er) and charismatic but one thing I especially liked was his wife. She was smart and strong. She dressed sensibly and stuck up for herself. Nothing against any previous First Ladies but Hillary was different. Various people gave her a bunch of shit because she kept her maiden name and she was like, "FUCK YOU, WHAT A STUPID THING TO TALK ABOUT!"  She was a tough woman with an important and interesting career and I looked up to her. Hillary has received an enormous amount of shit throughout her career and I truly believe a large part of it is because she is a woman. I know that a portion of the hate is simply that. If she was a man, it would not be like this. It just wouldn't. Do I think she is perfect and never made a mistake? Of course not. Do I think US politics are fairly corrupt and that she plays that political game too? Yup. Just like I think all US politicians do.  She plays the game and it drives people crazy because it shatters their view of what women should be. The mother, the wife, the pin-up, the lover, but not the president. It may be subconscious, but it rubs people wrong. They feel deeply disgusted by her. Seriously? But not by all the men out there doing the same or worse? Nope. Because that feels normal. People may not like it when male politicians behave that way but it is familiar. This is not. It make people feel weird. If Hillary was a man with the same expertise and experience (and mistakes) she would have this thing in the bag. 

But wait, you say, I think Hillary does play the game and the game is corrupt. I want change! I wanted Bernie! I want the system to be different! I want more options! We need to change the system! Cool. I am jaded and don't believe the system will ever change too much from what it is now. Sorry. But what if it could...?

In 2000, I was in Ireland when the election happened. I had done an absentee vote (sooooo much harder back then) before I left. I woke up super early the day after the election in my tiny room at the bed and breakfast in Dublin. I went downstairs and turned on the tv in the common room. GEORGE BUSH WINS THE ELECTION! I turned it off. I was bummed out. Not surprised but sad. I went upstairs and went back to sleep. I woke up a few hours later and went downstairs and turned the tv on again. AL GORE WINS THE ELECTION! 

What the fuck?

I went out to explore and later in the day I stopped in a pub. I sat at the bar and ordered a Guinness and turned my attention to the tv in the corner. NO ONE KNOWS WHO WON THE ELECTION! The bartender asked where I was from and after I told him, he said, "For fuck's sake, what is happening in your country?" I think I said something like, "I DON'T KNOW, IT'S CRAZYTOWN!" 

There are a lot of factors in the 2000 election but one thing for sure, people wanted a change in the system. They wanted more than our two party system and a large group of people wanted the option of Nader. It worked. He got in there and a bunch of people voted for him. Good for you, everyone! It worked! And then Bush won ("won") and then not much really came about regarding the two party system. There was a rally and then quiet. Bush was our president. I don't know about you, but he wasn't my favorite. Where is the constant fight for change? Where did all those Nader supporters go? During the election people were bananas and then...not so much. Is the election the only time people want to fight? Is THIS election really the time to fight the whole system? How does this nation deal with its wants and needs as a collective group?

I can NOT believe the amount of hate that is out there. I can NOT believe anyone would want to vote for Trump. No matter what you think of Hillary it is fucking night and day. What is it? What is happening for these people, these Trump supporters? Here are some things I assume:

People are afraid their guns will be taken away. I just don't know what to say about this. No one is taking away anyone's fucking guns. It's America. This nation loves its guns. If a mentally unstable person can shoot a bunch of little kids and NOTHING HAPPENS to change the laws, it never will. All the guns are safe. People can fucking keep their guns. Also, what is wrong with people that their number one priority in life is having guns? I don't understand these people and I never will. 

The most important thing to someone is something, something, blah, blah, God/faith/religion and that is how they want to vote. Again, no idea what to do with these people. Believe and worship whatever/however you want. This should really, truly have nothing to do with the government. I don't know why this is confusing. Also, everything I know of God is about trying to do the right thing and be a good, kind person. If people look to Trump as a role model for kind and good, I...I...I don't know what to say to these people. 

Fear, hate, racism, sexism.

Yup. And there we have it. If people vote for Trump, they suffer from one or all of these. I don't know what happened to these people, but I feel really sorry for them. It must just be miserable to be full of such hate and fear. How awful for these people that they walk around and spend all their time just hating other people. For no reason. Listening to Trump and his supporters hearts my heart. It's so ugly.

I feel very fortunate that I have carved out a career for myself that takes my work out on a global level. I am able to travel and my work is about connecting with people. I care deeply about trying to be a decent world citizen. I am learning every day how to be the best person I can. I (like probably everyone) have my own issues. I get excited about things and jump without looking where I am going. Sometimes this ends up impacting people as I will then have to jump back and disappoint or let people down. I try my best to be sensitive and smart but I say the wrong thing sometimes. I offend. I think I know what I am talking about only to learn my facts were wrong. I struggle to forgive. I become incensed when I feel like I or someone I love has been wronged and I hold onto it tightly. I'm selfish and self righteous. I keep people at a distance. I judge. I do a lot of things that aren't great but GODDAMMIT I genuinely try to be decent, kind, and fair and I stay open to learning everyday. Do Trump supporters think they are doing good things? Do they self reflect and think similar things to what I think? Who are these people?????

The world is a scary and beautiful place. This nation is a big, wondrous, crazy place.
I am full of fear and anxiety about tomorrow but I'm going to just keep having faith.
Love trumps hate. It really does. No matter what happens tomorrow, that is truth.

****On a side note, I was telling my husband that I was writing this blog and was nervous about posting it. I didn't want it to sound uninformed or messy. I was worried about how it would be perceived. After saying other supportive things he then said, "It's okay because you are a woman so it doesn't matter what you say. It only matters how you look."
I really, really, really appreciate my husband's humor. I suppose if Trump does win, at least I have that to get me through the next 4 years.