Whooeee. 2017. What a year. Amirite?
The best things about social media are:
1. Reconnecting with old friends. I have friends on Facebook that I would have zero idea how they are doing in real life, but now I know they are nice people doing good things and that makes me happy.
2. Photos. I love the photos of your kids. I love the photos of your dogs and cats. I love the photos of your food. And I love the photos from your travel. Thank you for sharing.
3. Those end of the year books. Facebook in particular will make you a whole "look at your year!" book and it's kinda cool. This year I traveled a lot. It's not like I forget that, it's just cool to see it in one 30 second slide show. Chile to Mexico (twice) to Spain to Uganda to Poland to Holland. Excellent.
More Spain, please.
Goodbye 2017. So many terrible things happened in 2017. SO MANY TERRIBLE THINGS.
Let us not speak of the monster who resides in the casa blanca on the hill. He is evil and he and his minions are ruining all the things. Too many things to say about that and since I am still in recovery mode and this is my first blog of 2018, let's table that one.
Good is happening all the time. Why is it so much harder to see the good things? I made a resolution to try to balance the good with the bad. Read some horrifying articles for 15 minutes and then read a list of 15 times a dog saved someone. Counter. Balance. Match. One time, a dog lay on top of a man who fell in the snow and was injured. He would have froze to death but the dog lay on him to keep him warm and barked until someone came and found them.
Good doggie.
More good, less evil. More rebels, less empire. More things I want to do, less things I feel obligated to do. More rest, less stress. More dogs, less assholes. I have big plans for 2018. I haven't been this excited about the future and a new year in quite a while. It was weird to start this new, exciting year spending the whole day in bed, but that is what surgery does.
Everything will be okay.
Here is a surgery story and sometimes it is a little bit gross so feel free to skip it.
On December 20th, I had a hysterectomy. They removed my uterus, fallopian tubes, and cervix. My ovaries look very healthy so they stayed, which is good. I don't have to deal with hormones or menopause and ovaries do good stuff for you so that's nice. They looked around at other stuff in there and things look good. Apparently my liver looks great which is SHOCKING to me. Thank you liver for hanging tough with me. I take much better care of it now, in my 40's, but still. Shocking.
I had the surgery because in my late 30's I developed fibroid tumors. They are non-cancerous tumors which grow on the side of your uterus. I had surgery to have some of them removed when I was 40. I should have had the hysterectomy then, but I felt weird about it. I felt too young. Why is it weird to not have a uterus? Why does it make women feel weird? Even with this surgery, I felt like I was supposed to be quiet about it. People would say, "Is it okay that I told so and so about your surgery" which is totally good manners, health is private and you should ask people that, but it felt like because it was a surgery around my reproductive organs, it was extra hush-hush.
Here is also some information that is super personal so if you just checked back in, feel free to continue skipping.
My uterus was a pretty good uterus for most of my life. It was normal and did all the things it was supposed to do. It did not grow a child to the point of being able to birth it out into the world. It held an embryo for a very short time once. A long time ago. It never did again. Other than that, it did what it did until it became full of tumors that were hurting it.
Aaron and I decided a while ago that we were not going to have kids. It is a long story as to why but it had to do with health, family history, our work and finances, and really it came down to desire. Did I really want a kid or was it just assumed that I should have a kid because I am good with kids? I love me some babies. I love babies so much. But babies become toddlers who become second graders who become teenagers who become adults. I like people. I like myself. I love Aaron. But we are challenging people. We are selfish and busy and we have some fucked up shit in our lives, in our heads. I don't want a kid. I know for so many people it is the greatest joy and I am so happy for these people. I feel genuine joy and love when I see my friends with their kids. I love these kids. I am so happy to share this earth with small people. For Aaron and me, it was a decision we talked about thoughtfully. When he looked at me and said, "Do you want kids" I remember thinking to myself, "I don't." When we first got married everyone was like, "When are you going to have kids??" and I thought, "Yes, that is a thing we should do." but when I think back on that time I remember being stressed and scared. I am suspicious that I actually never wanted my own kids. I think I just wanted to care for other people's children and I have done just that my whole life.
I am lucky that I have a lot of adult friends who do not have kids themselves. My friends with kids are cool people who let non-kid-having people do their thing without judgement. But I know some people are weird about it.
You'll regret it! Will I? What an absolutely idiotic reason to have a child then. If something happens as we get older and we want a kid, we can adopt or foster a teenager. There are a lot of ways to have children in your life.
You're so selfish! Yes, I am. I already addressed that.
You will never know love! You know, fuck that. I am certain that the love a parent has for a child is like nothing else. I have never had that feeling. I am celebratory about that love for my mom and dad friends, but I know other love. We all experience love in different ways. I say that am pretty sure no two people love each other as much as Aaron and I love each other. Because we love each other a lot and I am very dramatic and say shit like that. But I would never say that to other people. How rude. What do I know? ( I just said it here in this public blog instead.)
You're just afraid. Maybe. What if my child died before me? What if he became a serial killer? What is she hated me? Parents are brave amazing people with super hard jobs. I admire my parent friends so much. But it's okay that I do not want these things. I am brave in other ways that involve zip lines and driving in jungles on roads that are not roads and making art and teaching kids and speaking about my work to a big crowd of strangers and so on.
This whole being a woman and having kids and having organs that make humans and how that is our identity and hysterectomies are taboo and blah, blah, blah- the whole thing is really absurd. I had a hysterectomy because after 45 years my uterus was diseased and I was in pain and bleeding all the time. I was miserable. Even just this past summer while we were in Africa, Aaron had to help me deal with a particularly bad spell and it was terrible. I was all done. It had been 7 years of pain and bleeding. I found the best doctor in Albuquerque, took advantage of my Obamacare, asked my colleagues to cover for me, and I TOOK THAT FUCKER OUT!
New year. New me. Uterus free. One tumor was so big, my body couldn't supply enough blood to it so it had started to collapse on itself. The surgeon told me that one tumor must have been horribly painful.
Yep.
It was.
And now it is gone.
Tumors-bad. Coffee and ice cream-good.
In this year, as we women continue to find our voices, I hope women continue to feel empowered to want the things they want, be the person they want to be, live up to their own standards and not what is painted outside of them by others. I hope that new generations continue to change the norm around what a woman is and what a woman should be. A woman is not a uterus. The words "woman and mother" or "woman and wife" do not necessarily go hand in hand. The words woman and heart and power and love and courage and freedom--these words do indeed go hand in hand.
This year I moved into the cultural job I have been wanting and building since 2013. I took a graduate class to see if I could do it and keep up my work load (I can, so maybe I will take more.) I traveled to Uganda to start a brand new project from scratch and it is actually happening. I spent time with my awesome friends. I directed and acted in shows. I taught amazing students around the world. I met incredible people. I sat in the sun on the tip of a Mexican island and watched iguanas with my mom. I spent every chance I could staring into the face of the most beautiful man I know who lifts me up everyday and is truly the greatest life partner.
I took in deep breaths. I lived. I did the best I could.
Hi Aaron!
Happy New Year. Hold my hand, 2018. I think we'll be good friends.
This lady at the Entebbe airport speaks my truth.
The best things about social media are:
1. Reconnecting with old friends. I have friends on Facebook that I would have zero idea how they are doing in real life, but now I know they are nice people doing good things and that makes me happy.
2. Photos. I love the photos of your kids. I love the photos of your dogs and cats. I love the photos of your food. And I love the photos from your travel. Thank you for sharing.
3. Those end of the year books. Facebook in particular will make you a whole "look at your year!" book and it's kinda cool. This year I traveled a lot. It's not like I forget that, it's just cool to see it in one 30 second slide show. Chile to Mexico (twice) to Spain to Uganda to Poland to Holland. Excellent.
Goodbye 2017. So many terrible things happened in 2017. SO MANY TERRIBLE THINGS.
Let us not speak of the monster who resides in the casa blanca on the hill. He is evil and he and his minions are ruining all the things. Too many things to say about that and since I am still in recovery mode and this is my first blog of 2018, let's table that one.
Good is happening all the time. Why is it so much harder to see the good things? I made a resolution to try to balance the good with the bad. Read some horrifying articles for 15 minutes and then read a list of 15 times a dog saved someone. Counter. Balance. Match. One time, a dog lay on top of a man who fell in the snow and was injured. He would have froze to death but the dog lay on him to keep him warm and barked until someone came and found them.
Good doggie.
More good, less evil. More rebels, less empire. More things I want to do, less things I feel obligated to do. More rest, less stress. More dogs, less assholes. I have big plans for 2018. I haven't been this excited about the future and a new year in quite a while. It was weird to start this new, exciting year spending the whole day in bed, but that is what surgery does.
Here is a surgery story and sometimes it is a little bit gross so feel free to skip it.
On December 20th, I had a hysterectomy. They removed my uterus, fallopian tubes, and cervix. My ovaries look very healthy so they stayed, which is good. I don't have to deal with hormones or menopause and ovaries do good stuff for you so that's nice. They looked around at other stuff in there and things look good. Apparently my liver looks great which is SHOCKING to me. Thank you liver for hanging tough with me. I take much better care of it now, in my 40's, but still. Shocking.
I had the surgery because in my late 30's I developed fibroid tumors. They are non-cancerous tumors which grow on the side of your uterus. I had surgery to have some of them removed when I was 40. I should have had the hysterectomy then, but I felt weird about it. I felt too young. Why is it weird to not have a uterus? Why does it make women feel weird? Even with this surgery, I felt like I was supposed to be quiet about it. People would say, "Is it okay that I told so and so about your surgery" which is totally good manners, health is private and you should ask people that, but it felt like because it was a surgery around my reproductive organs, it was extra hush-hush.
Here is also some information that is super personal so if you just checked back in, feel free to continue skipping.
My uterus was a pretty good uterus for most of my life. It was normal and did all the things it was supposed to do. It did not grow a child to the point of being able to birth it out into the world. It held an embryo for a very short time once. A long time ago. It never did again. Other than that, it did what it did until it became full of tumors that were hurting it.
Aaron and I decided a while ago that we were not going to have kids. It is a long story as to why but it had to do with health, family history, our work and finances, and really it came down to desire. Did I really want a kid or was it just assumed that I should have a kid because I am good with kids? I love me some babies. I love babies so much. But babies become toddlers who become second graders who become teenagers who become adults. I like people. I like myself. I love Aaron. But we are challenging people. We are selfish and busy and we have some fucked up shit in our lives, in our heads. I don't want a kid. I know for so many people it is the greatest joy and I am so happy for these people. I feel genuine joy and love when I see my friends with their kids. I love these kids. I am so happy to share this earth with small people. For Aaron and me, it was a decision we talked about thoughtfully. When he looked at me and said, "Do you want kids" I remember thinking to myself, "I don't." When we first got married everyone was like, "When are you going to have kids??" and I thought, "Yes, that is a thing we should do." but when I think back on that time I remember being stressed and scared. I am suspicious that I actually never wanted my own kids. I think I just wanted to care for other people's children and I have done just that my whole life.
I am lucky that I have a lot of adult friends who do not have kids themselves. My friends with kids are cool people who let non-kid-having people do their thing without judgement. But I know some people are weird about it.
You'll regret it! Will I? What an absolutely idiotic reason to have a child then. If something happens as we get older and we want a kid, we can adopt or foster a teenager. There are a lot of ways to have children in your life.
You're so selfish! Yes, I am. I already addressed that.
You will never know love! You know, fuck that. I am certain that the love a parent has for a child is like nothing else. I have never had that feeling. I am celebratory about that love for my mom and dad friends, but I know other love. We all experience love in different ways. I say that am pretty sure no two people love each other as much as Aaron and I love each other. Because we love each other a lot and I am very dramatic and say shit like that. But I would never say that to other people. How rude. What do I know? ( I just said it here in this public blog instead.)
You're just afraid. Maybe. What if my child died before me? What if he became a serial killer? What is she hated me? Parents are brave amazing people with super hard jobs. I admire my parent friends so much. But it's okay that I do not want these things. I am brave in other ways that involve zip lines and driving in jungles on roads that are not roads and making art and teaching kids and speaking about my work to a big crowd of strangers and so on.
This whole being a woman and having kids and having organs that make humans and how that is our identity and hysterectomies are taboo and blah, blah, blah- the whole thing is really absurd. I had a hysterectomy because after 45 years my uterus was diseased and I was in pain and bleeding all the time. I was miserable. Even just this past summer while we were in Africa, Aaron had to help me deal with a particularly bad spell and it was terrible. I was all done. It had been 7 years of pain and bleeding. I found the best doctor in Albuquerque, took advantage of my Obamacare, asked my colleagues to cover for me, and I TOOK THAT FUCKER OUT!
New year. New me. Uterus free. One tumor was so big, my body couldn't supply enough blood to it so it had started to collapse on itself. The surgeon told me that one tumor must have been horribly painful.
Yep.
It was.
And now it is gone.
In this year, as we women continue to find our voices, I hope women continue to feel empowered to want the things they want, be the person they want to be, live up to their own standards and not what is painted outside of them by others. I hope that new generations continue to change the norm around what a woman is and what a woman should be. A woman is not a uterus. The words "woman and mother" or "woman and wife" do not necessarily go hand in hand. The words woman and heart and power and love and courage and freedom--these words do indeed go hand in hand.
This year I moved into the cultural job I have been wanting and building since 2013. I took a graduate class to see if I could do it and keep up my work load (I can, so maybe I will take more.) I traveled to Uganda to start a brand new project from scratch and it is actually happening. I spent time with my awesome friends. I directed and acted in shows. I taught amazing students around the world. I met incredible people. I sat in the sun on the tip of a Mexican island and watched iguanas with my mom. I spent every chance I could staring into the face of the most beautiful man I know who lifts me up everyday and is truly the greatest life partner.
I took in deep breaths. I lived. I did the best I could.
Happy New Year. Hold my hand, 2018. I think we'll be good friends.
Juli, this is marvelous. Thank you for your elegant, simple words.
ReplyDeleteThank you, David. :)
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